Twas A Wonderful Life
by Ralph Jr
Summary: Bert feels neglected by his friends, and feels as if he has become a burden upon them. Bert then meets his guardian angel who indeed shows him what life might be like without him. But would everything really be better had he never been born?
1. Chapter 1: 'Tis The Season

**AUTHOR'S NOTE**: Well, I'm currently in the early stages of writing "Fly By Night", but before I go any farther, I got the idea for this and I thought it was, well, too good of an idea to actually pass up on. So here we have it: my own Raccoons version of "It's A Wonderful Life". "Wonderful Life" has been spoofed and referenced so many times and had so many different versions of it made with multiple TV shows (The Angry Beavers got their own version of it. Says enough right there...) that is now extremely cliched to write a version of it or reference it, and that makes this by far the most unoriginal thing I will ever pen...and I don't care. I'm writing this anyways because I want to. If I want to, there's nobody stopping me, right? Heheh, well, enough of that. Anyways, I had the idea of what might happen if Bert had never been born. What might happen to everybody else? Considering how important of a character Bert is to everyone else, the results certainly could _not _be pretty...WARNING: This will be _quite _dark. Also, I know this is a little early for Christmas, but hey! It'll be a nice thing to read in the lead-up, I suppose. Here we go...

**_We Wish You A Merry Legal Disclaimer And A Happy New Lawsuit: _**_I do not own the rights to the Raccoons or the characters of the show-nor will I ever (barring some amazing miracle happening!), it'd seem. I also do not own the rights to "It's A Wonderful Life"-if I did, I would be fabulously wealthy beyond my wildest dreams. Any songs or real people referenced within (since this is short (three chapters) there'll be no more than a very small handful in here) do not belong to me either._

_Now that that is out of the way, we present..._

**'Twas A Wonderful Life**

**Chapter One: 'Tis The Season...**

It was a cold mid-December morning in the Evergreen Forest. A week before Christmas. The denizens of the Forest were already looking forward to the upcoming time of giving and goodwill...including Ralph and Melissa Raccoon.

It was a quiet morning at the Raccoondominium. Ralph and Melissa were downstairs in the kitchen drinking their morning coffee together at the table. It was early and the couple had not yet gotten dressed for today; they were still in their nightclothes. Today they had taken the day off from working on the _Evergreen Standard_. Bert was asleep upstairs...he'd yet to drag his hide out of bed and he probably wouldn't for another hour or two. For Ralph and Melissa, it was at least nice to have a few moments of peace and quiet before Bert woke up...

"Well, Ralph," Melissa spoke, taking a sip from her coffee cup, "it's only a week until Christmas. I wonder what you'll be getting me this year?"

Ralph jolted in his seat a bit. Uh oh. Ralph had been rather caught up in his work for the _Standard_, and as such, he'd forgotten to buy his wife a present...yet. "_Oh no!" _Ralph thought. "_I really need to buy her something...or else she'll really tear into me...I better hurry before the stores are all sold out!_"

Ralph tried to hide his nervousness somewhat unconvincingly. "Rest assured, dear, it'll be quite the surprise, you'll see..."

Melissa could tell her husband was hiding something from her, but she figured it was best not to pry into the situation at the present moment. "Well, I'm sure you'll have something special, honey," she smiled, softly.

"Why, of course I will, Melissa. I always do, don't I?" Ralph chuckled.

"Right," she agreed. "_He'd better not forget..._" Melissa thought to herself. "_He already forgot one special occasion this year..._" And indeed, Ralph had. Ralph had the extremely awful misfortune of forgetting his own wedding anniversary this past year; Melissa had _not _been pleased at her husband's forgetfulness. It had taken poor Ralph some time to get back onto her good side after that. "_Nah,_" she thought, trying to reassure herself. "_Ralph won't forget my Christmas present. I'm sure he'll have something that'll really surprise me..._" She could always hope...

At that moment, Bert threw open his bedroom door and came dashing down the staircase at a rather high rate of speed.

"Bert's up," Melissa whispered to Ralph.

"Wonder what he's so happy about this morning?" Ralph wondered aloud.

Bert came racing into the kitchen.

"Morning, you guys!" he gleefully exclaimed. "You two excited for today?"

Ralph looked confused. "Excited for what today?"

Melissa glared at Ralph. "You don't remember...?"

"Not particularly..." Ralph admitted to his wife.

"Why, today's the day of that big Christmas party you've had planned for weeks, Ralphie boy!" Bert was ecstatic.

Ralph thought for a second. "Oh! Oh, I remember now..."

"That's why we took the day off from running the _Standard_, Ralph," Melissa informed him.

Ralph couldn't believe he'd forgotten about that when he'd been so excited about it a few weeks ago. "I can be quite the Forgetful Freddy sometimes..." he embarrassingly admitted.

"Don't sweat it, Ralphie boy! Why, tonight, I can sense the peanut butter vodka will be making its triumphant return, heheh..." Bert chuckled lightly to himself.

"Oh, not the peanut butter vodka," Melissa groaned, shaking her head.

"Bert, that stuff'll make everybody sick. Please don't bring that out again this year..." Ralph could remember last year's Christmas party at his brother George's place last year; Bert had really wasted himself. "_He always was quite the lightweight when it comes to alcohol..._" Ralph mused.

"Puh, you two could stand to improve your taste!" Bert heartily laughed.

"Sure," Melissa sighed.

"Well, it'll be quite the event," Ralph said, already beginning to imagine. "You remember last year's Christmas party, don't you?"

"Of course," Melissa replied, "your brother held at his family's house. I couldn't forget that!"

"Boy, that was quite some party George had last year!" Bert enthusiastically answered, as he reminisced over the events of that party. Bert had gorged himself upon the food and had gotten himself really drunk for the first time in years. Well, he could only _half_-remember it thanks to the alcohol he drank, but it was still a good half-memory.

"I'll say it was," Ralph chuckled. "Just the other day I overheard Schaeffer talking about how delicious the Christmas turkey George prepared for the party was. People are still talking about that party!"

"That was the best turkey I ever had..." Bert said to himself, his mouth starting to water thinking about that particular turkey.

"But, between you two and me," Ralph smiled, "I think I can throw a better one this year than George's! Heheh," he chuckled. "Just a little brotherly rivalry there."

"Ah, I see," Melissa nodded.

"Well, who all is on our guest list again?" Bert asked, not fully remembering.

"Hmm..." Ralph thought for a moment. "Well, Schaeffer, Maxie, Annie, George, Nicole, Bentley, Lisa..."

Bert's ears perked up upon hearing that Lisa would be coming to the party. "I can't wait to see Lisa..." he said to himself.

"My father's coming too," Melissa added. "It'll be nice; it's been a while since I've seen him."

"Oh, Mike is coming?" Ralph asked. "I hope he's been doing well."

"Well, his arthritis is starting to get to him, but as far as I know he's been fine. I heard he went to the Evergreen Orphanage to read the lonely orphans Christmas stories." Melissa smiled to herself. "Very thoughtful of him to bring some joy into their lives."

"You know, Mike is an alright guy," Bert admitted. "I'm a little embarrassed I once prank called that guy..."

"Well, we all have things from our past that we're embarrassed we did," Melissa replied.

"I know. So, who else is there?"

"Well," Ralph began again, "my mother and father, and let's see...oh, your parents too, Bert. I think. I don't remember if your father said he would come or not, I know your mother would."

"They'll be here," Bert emphatically answered. "They'll be here. Anyone else?"

"Well, my father's friends Henry, Peter, and Erik, and Sophia Tutu and Cedric. I believe that's all who'll be attending," Ralph replied.

"Old Hose-Nose's not coming?" Bert wondered.

"I believe Lady Baden-Baden is throwing a big Christmas bash up at her mansion for the wealthy, so I imagine he'll be going there instead." Ralph then said aloud, as his journalistic instincts kicked in, "You know, that could make a great news story...a part of me feels like we should be heading there to cover it..."

"Ralph, honey," Melissa said, "today's our off-day. Don't worry about what goes on at Lady Baden-Baden's place, tonight we're going to have our own fun."

"Oh, sorry," Ralph sighed, "sorry. I couldn't help myself..."

"Eh, it's alright, Ralphie," Bert shrugged. "I'm just wondering how we're gonna have this big party without having the place all decorated up!"

"Oh, damn!" Ralph exclaimed, realizing he had completely forgotten to do that. "Oh, oh dear. I think we better get to that!"

"Well," Melissa smiled. "Let's get to work setting this place up! We have plenty of time, the guests aren't supposed to come here until six-thirty..."

* * *

><p>Bert was humming to himself as he was preparing to string up the lights outside the Raccoondominium. Ralph had asked him to put up the lights, while he was putting up the tree and Melissa was hanging up the festive decorations around the house. Bert was holding the box of lights.<p>

"Ah, nothing beats hanging up Christmas lights..." Bert happily said to himself. It was no secret that Bert had always loved Christmas. It was his favorite holiday. To this very day, Bert had always believed in Santa Claus...even despite Ralph scoffing that there was no such thing. "I'm afraid Santa isn't real," Ralph had once told him when they were teenagers, "those presents are from your parents. I know, I used to believe, but I peeked one year and saw my mom putting them under the tree. He isn't real." Bert had laughed. "Pah, of course he's real Ralphie boy! I know he'll be paying me a visit this year, because I've been a good boy!"

Bert had to laugh at his old Christmas memories. "Well, I guess it's time to string the lights up..." he said. Bert opened the box...and found the lights were all tangled up in a twisted, contorted, jumbled heap. "Oh boy..." Bert sighed. "This is going to be _quite_ the task to untangle these..."

Meanwhile, Ralph had finished putting up the tree. He felt quite proud of himself; the tree looked quite wonderful. "Now to decorate it," Ralph said to himself as he began hanging ornaments up on the tree. "Hmm..." Ralph thought as he was hanging up Christmas balls on the tree. "Wonder what kind of Christmas music they have playing on the radio..." he said as he reached for the nearby radio. "I suppose I have to let the festive spirit of Christmas flow through my veins!" he chuckled to himself as he turned on the radio.

Ralph hummed along to the song on the radio as he hung up more Christmas balls, until he actually heard the words of the song...

"_So how can you laugh, when your own mother's hungry?_

_And how can you smile, when your reasons for smiling are wrong?_

_And if I've just messed up your thoughtless pleasures,_

_Remember, if you wish, this is just a Christmas song..."_

"Huh," Ralph said to himself, bemused by the rather odd choice of song for a station dedicated to playing Christmas music. "Now what kind of Christmas song was _that_? Blatantly anti-Christmas, I think...now how'd they let _that _one sneak through?" He shrugged it off. "Ah, well. Time to put up the-" Ralph realized something.

"Wait a minute. Where's the tinsel?" Ralph looked all around him for the tinsel, but couldn't find it. "I could have sworn I had the tinsel..." He looked around for it, but no luck.

"Ah, I suppose I'll have to ask Melissa where the tinsel is...I'm sure she'll know..." Ralph said to himself as he headed over in Melissa's direction.

Melissa was standing atop a ladder hanging up assorted Christmas decorations. She had already put up the stockings and placed the wreath upon the front door. "_Christmas is always a splendid time of year,_" she thought to herself. "_A time of joy_, _good will, sharing, and,_" she chuckled lightly to herself, "_love._" Melissa was presently hanging up the mistletoe. She always had considered herself a romantic at heart... "Melissa, honey!" Ralph called as he came towards her, interrupting her from her reverie. "Have you seen the tinsel? I tried looking for it, but I couldn't find it anywhere...I could have sworn I brought it down from the attic..."

"Oh!" Melissa exclaimed, looking down at her husband. "Well, it should be upstairs in our closet somewhere...at least, I _think_ it is..." Melissa suddenly realized exactly where Ralph had chosen to stand...she could not help but giggle.

"What's so funny?" Ralph said, confused and unsure of what she was laughing at.

"Ralph...look what you're standing under..."

Ralph looked up; sure enough... "Oh. The mistletoe, right..." Ralph chuckled.

"Well, honey," Melissa smiled as she stepped off the ladder. "You know what it means when you end up standing under the mistletoe with a girl you like, don't you?"

"Oh, believe me, Melissa, I do," Ralph smirked. He certainly wasn't one to buck an old tradition. "Come here, you..." Ralph said as the couple embraced each other.

Just as Ralph and Melissa were about to kiss...

"Ah, dammit! A little help here! Good grief!"

Ralph immediately let go of Melissa. "Oh no..." Ralph muttered. Bert had done something wrong and had _completely_ killed the moment.

Melissa looked disappointed. "Bert, why'd you have to get in trouble..." she sighed.

"_That damn Bert_," Ralph thought to himself as he growled. "_He always seems to be finding trouble and bothering me. Lately, it seems he's been getting into more trouble than usual. Why, I can't even share a nice romantic moment with my lovely wife without him interrupting us by finding mischief. I wonder what he's done **this**_ _time_..."

"What is it, Bert?" Ralph called out, agitated.

"It's, heheh, a bit of a doozy..." Bert chuckled from the living room.

Ralph and Melissa headed into the living room, where...

"My goodness, Bert, how did you manage to get into _that_ big of a mess?" Melissa exclaimed, more than a little astonished. Bert had managed to get himself totally tangled up in the Christmas lights. He was completely wrapped up in them.

"Heheh," Bert laughed, nervously; he was more than a little embarrassed. "I was trying to untangle the lights, and, well, I managed to get myself tangled up..."

"Now how did you do that? It's a simple job, Bert," Ralph growled, "and you managed to mess it up. Explain yourself right now."

"It was an accident, Ralph," Bert said meekly, surprised to see Ralph angry at him. He'd expected Ralph to be understanding; instead Ralph had responded with hostility. "It could happen to anyone, you know..."

"Bert," Melissa replied as calmly as she could, as she helped untangle Bert from the contorted mess of the Christmas lights, "we appreciate your attempt to help, but perhaps it would be for the best if, you know, Ralph and I put up the lights."

"That's a great idea, Melissa!" Ralph agreed. "I think I can do the job. The last thing I want is for this place to look like a trash heap come the time of the party, and with you, Bert, there's no guarantee it won't end up looking like that!"

Bert was surprised and more than a little confused. "_Ralph and Melissa...don't want me to help them...? Why...?_"

"You mean...you really don't want me to help you guys out?"

"We don't mean to upset you, Bert," Melissa said, trying to be polite about the situation as she could, "but I think we can handle it by ourselves. Perhaps Cedric might want some help."

"Yes, he's supposed to be bringing the eggnog. And a Christmas cake, too," Ralph added.

"Yes, you could go see if he wants help, Bert."

"Alright..." Bert sighed. He walked out the Raccoondominium and headed towards Sneer Mansion. "I sure hope Cedric is in need of help..." Bert mumbled to himself.

Melissa looked uneasily towards her husband. "Ralph, you don't suppose we hurt Bert's feelings when we told him we didn't need his help, do you...?"

Ralph chuckled. "Nah! He'll be just fine in time for the party, you wait and see. Now, heh heh, where were we before Bert so rudely interrupted us?"

Melissa giggled. "Oh, stop, you!"

* * *

><p>At Sneer Mansion, Cedric Sneer was busy putting the finishing touches on his Christmas cake for Ralph and Melissa's party. Things had changed for Cedric-in the past year he'd managed to become his father's business partner, something he'd been waiting for nearly his entire life.<p>

At this particular moment, his aforementioned father, Cyril Sneer, stepped into the kitchen, followed by his trio of pig employees, Lloyd, Boyd, and Floyd.

"Hi, Pop," Cedric said to his father.

"Oh, uh, hello, Cedric," the old aardvark said to his son. "What are you up to down here?"

"Oh, well, Pop, I'm busy finishing up a Christmas cake for Ralph and Melissa's Christmas party at the Raccoondominium tonight! It's taken me a few weeks to finish it, but I think it came out well! I'm sure it'll be quite an event," he chuckled.

"Oh, those raccoons' party. I hope you'll have fun, Cedric..."

Cedric smiled. His pop had really changed in the past few years. Five years ago Cyril would have _never _allowed him to go anywhere near a party held by the Raccoons-back then, Cyril honestly would not have minded putting a bounty upon Bert, Ralph, and Melissa's heads and have them hung up over his fireplace for all to see. But time had shown Cyril that the Raccoons were not so bad as he had long believed them to be; that newspaper they ran had actually proven beneficial to Cyril-from time to time, at least. Now Cyril was close to considering them his pseudo-allies. Cedric had long told his father that they were not as bad as he had made them out to be, and, he had to admit, it was nice to see people change. "Thanks, Pop. But you're not going?" he asked, curiously.

"No, no, I'm heading out to the big bash at Lady Baden-Baden's estate tonight. Same time, I guess?"

"I think so. Well, I hope you do have fun at Lady Baden-Baden's," Cedric encouraged his father.

"With these three porkers coming with me," Cyril growled, taking a long drawl off of his ubiquitous cigar, "there's no guarantee of that!"

Lloyd spoke up. "Heheh, don't worry, Boss, we'll be on our best behavior tonight!"

"You have our word," Floyd agreed with his sibling.

"Oh, you'd _better_ be on your best behavior tonight. Do you know what's going to happen if you three sniveling swine get into trouble and embarrass me tonight?"

Boyd gulped. "I-I have a feeling it's not going to be something we're going to like..."

"You're _damn_ right, it's not going to be something you're going to like! If you three mess up tonight, the main course for my Christmas dinner is going to be smoked ham on a platter! So you had _better_ behave..." Cyril ominously warned the pork trio.

"Point taken!" Lloyd nervously admitted.

"Wait a minute..." Cedric wondered aloud. "If you and the pigs are heading to Lady Baden-Baden's, and Sophia and I are head to Ralph and Melissa's...then who's going to watch the Mansion?"

"Erm..." Cyril frantically thought to himself. "Why, our old dog Snag can do the job!" Snag happened to be sleeping underneath the table where Cedric was finishing the cake.

"Are you _sure_, Pop?" Cedric asked, skeptically.

"Why of course, Cedric, my boy! They always say blue-point ridgeback retrievers make the best guard dogs." Snag snored, as his legs twitched as he was having a dream; no doubt of another dog.

"If you say so, Pop..." Cedric shrugged.

"Well, anyways, Cedric, I guess I'll go and check out how our stocks are doing. Since they were up yesterday," Cyril chuckled. "You keep working on that Christmas cake, Cedric."

"Okay, Pop," Cedric said as he went back to work on his cake.

"One last thing, Cedric-save me a piece of the cake, if you can," Cyril said as he briefly opened the door again.

"Will do, Pop!" Cedric promised.

Cedric hummed quietly to himself as he finished up the cake. "Ah, there we go!" Cedric smiled to himself. "Finally, it's finished!" At that moment, someone else came strolling merrily into the kitchen.

"Hey, Cedric!" Bert greeted his old friend with a pop on the back. Cedric jumped as his spectacles fell to the floor.

"Ah! Bert, don't do that, you scared me!" the aardvark responded as he picked his glasses up off the floor. "You know I'm almost blind without these..."

"Sorry, Cedric," Bert sheepishly replied. "Anyways, I heard you were making a Christmas cake for the big party tonight."

"Why, of course, Bert. I'm sure you'll all like to sample it!"

"You need any help with it, old pal? I can help out, ya know!" Bert enthusiastically offered his support.

"Thanks for the offer, Bert, but I sort of finished the cake already, heheh," Cedric chuckled.

"Nah, c'mon, Cedric, I'm sure you need help with it. Here, I'll put the cake in the oven for you!"

"Bert!" Cedric shouted. "It's already finished!"

"Nah, I think it needs to be baked, Cedric, it doesn't look like it's finished..." Bert exclaimed as he put the cake in the oven. After, a few minutes, Bert decided to take the cake out of the oven...

"Bert..." Cedric sighed as he shook his head.

Bert hadn't even realized the cake had been hot, and he wasn't wearing oven mitts... "YEOWCH!" Bert screamed as he burnt his paws from holding the cake. Much to Cedric's annoyance and chagrin, the cake flew through the air and splattered on the ground. "Uh oh..." Bert said, realizing he had just screwed up...again...

"Great..." Cedric exclaimed, in an upset tone. "Now I guess we're going to have to do without a cake...Bert, I _was _finished with it..."

"Gee," Bert replied, feeling rather embarrassed about how careless he had just been, "I'm sorry Cedric...I was only trying to help..."

"I didn't need it...it's just not going to be a Christmas party without the cake..."

"I'm sorry, Cedric..."

"It's okay Bert. But you know what, George is preparing a turkey for the Christmas party. You know how great the one he made last year was! Perhaps you could help him," Cedric suggested, trying to help.

"Thanks, Cedric..." Bert slunk off to head to George's place. What had started off as a optimistic day for Bert had turned to an embarrassing and highly disappointing one...

* * *

><p>At George's house, George Raccoon was busy with his fixings for the Christmas turkey while it was in the oven, as he listened to the radio. Bentley and Lisa were busy doing something or other upstairs, while his wife Nicole was over at his father's place..."babysitting" him as he wasn't able to properly take care of himself, being handicapped and in a wheelchair and all, while his wife had gone out to do some errands. So Nicole had reluctantly volunteered to look after Arthur.<p>

"Ah, I can't wait to see how my little brother's party turns out," he said to himself. "I'm sure he'll do a good job. But there's no way it'll be able to beat mine, heheh!"

George waited for the turkey to finish baking while he sang along to the radio.

"_Christmas, Christmas time is here,_

_Time for toys, and time for cheer__..._"

George suddenly felt horribly embarrassed. "Oh, oh goodness. I had better stop doing that. Goodness, it seems that Alvin and his gang are quite a guilty pleasure for me...I had better change the station soon before someone else finds out I actually _like_ listening to this stuff...if anyone else found out, I'd be laughed at for sure..."

He realized that Bentley and Lisa could possibly hear him from upstairs.

"Oh dear, I sure hope they're not paying attention up there..."

At that moment, none other than Bert came in. "Hey there, George!"

George was in for the shock of his life-he had been caught listening to his guilty pleasure. "Aaah! Oh, uh, hello there, Bert...this isn't what it seems like!"

Bert raised an eyebrow. "George? I never would have guessed you of all people would like Alvin and the Chipmunks...I mean, I thought you always liked that Thin Lizzard and Judas Priest stuff!"

George sighed. "It's true...I do like Alvin and the Chipmunks...Bert, you can never tell a soul, _ever_. If word got out about this, why, I'd be the laughing stock of the staff of K. N. O. X. TV! Please, Bert, don't tell anybody about this!" With Bert, George just _knew_ he would blab about it, most likely to Ralph and Melissa.

"Nah, don't worry, George, I won't tell anyone. Truth be told I used to listen to them...when I was a kid. Heh, never thought I'd see a grown man enjoying their music..."

"Uh, well, anyways," George said, hastily trying to change the subject. "What brings you here?"

"I heard you were making the Christmas turkey and I thought you might need some help there," Bert replied. "Bert Raccoon, Ace Chef, at your service!"

George had to laugh. "Haha, I appreciate your offer, Bert. But seriously, I don't think I need your help. I mean, I _sort of am_ a qualified chef, after all. I didn't graduate culinary school for nothing!"

"Oh..." Bert sighed.

"But you know what, Bert? Perhaps Bentley would like your company. You and him could do something together."

"Well, I did have the idea to go sledding at some point today...I guess I'll go see if he'd like to join me! Where is he, anyways?"

"Uh, he's upstairs in his room," George replied.

"Thanks, George. Don't worry, I won't tell anyone about your...heh, heh..._guilty _pleasure!" he chuckled as he went up the stairs towards Bentley's room.

"No problem," George sighed. He realized the radio was still playing Alvin and the Chipmunks...it was one of those "novelty" radio stations.

"Ah, better change that before Nicole gets back!" he gasped.

"_I told the witch doctor I was in love with you-_" George hastily flicked the dial to the local classic rock station.

"_Rocka rolla woman for a rocka rolla man_

_You can take her if you want her, if you think you can!_"

George breathed a sigh of relief. "Whew! Rob Howlford, you've saved me again..."

* * *

><p>Upstairs, Bentley Raccoon was furiously typing away at his new computer. He'd been grateful his father had gotten a new one for his birthday the past year-his old one had started to wear out. At the moment, Bentley was currently engrossed in typing up a report for his history class that he had been assigned over his winter break.<p>

"Ugh..." Bentley sighed to himself. "History is so _boring__!_" Though Bentley was a good student, he had always found history to be a very boring and drab subject. His interest leaned firmly towards the mathematical side of things. "I'm almost halfway done with this thing. I better finish it before Uncle Ralph and Aunt Melissa's party tonight. That should be some fun..." he thought to himself.

Bentley remembered the party his father had thrown the previous year. It'd been fun, though Bentley had to admit, perhaps the alcohol should have been kept under lock, stock, and key away from Bert. "Heheh, I'm sure he won't be that bad this year," the young raccoon said to himself. "Oh, I just hope Annie doesn't show up at the party..." Annie Ringtail was Bentley's classmate whom he knew had a crush on him. She was always pestering him and following him around, constantly trying to flirt with him. Bentley was annoyed by her and wished she'd leave him alone, but no matter how many times he told her to go away, she would always keep coming back to him. His father had told him that he was probably in denial of his feelings and he probably liked her too-an idea that disgusted Bentley to no end. And Bert? Bert had told him that "You might not think much of her now, but sooner then you know it you're going to find her attractive and you'll want to go out with her. Trust me on that, little buddy, it happens to all of us!" Bentley hoped Bert and his father were kidding-he couldn't imagine actually finding Annie attractive. "No doubt she'll try to bug me if she shows up at that party..." he sighed as he continued typing up his report. "Bert had to be joking when he told me that-he just had to!"

Speaking of Bert..."Hey there, Bentley, little buddy! How are ya doing?" Sure enough, Bert was in his room. He hadn't even heard Bert come in.

"Bert, what are you doing here?" Bentley asked.

"Well, little buddy, I had the idea that perhaps today we could go sledding. You know that'll be a blast!" Bert exclaimed, waving his arms about excitedly. "How about it, Bentley? What d'you say we go sledding together?"

Bentley shook his head. "Sorry, Bert. I'd love to, but I have this history report that I have to type up and it's due the day I get back from Christmas vacation! I want to have it done ahead of time."

Bert didn't know how to respond. "But that's not for a few more weeks, Bentley. You could afford to put it off for a few days, couldn't you? I'm sure it wouldn't hurt..."

Bentley shook his head again. "No, Bert. I have to do this. If I put it off I might end up forgetting about it and then I'll have to do it at the last minute. I don't want to fail history class; you know I don't like that subject!"

"Huh, I was never that good at history, myself," Bert had to admit to his young friend. "But, hey, maybe I can help you out with that?"

"Thanks, Bert, but I don't need your help. I can do it just fin-" Bentley suddenly realized that while he'd been talking to Bert, he'd accidentally closed out of his document.

"Aargh! I just closed out the document-and I forgot to save it! Great," he groaned. "Now I have to start it all over again! Thanks a lot, Bert!" Bentley glared at his friend.

"I'm sorry, little buddy..." Bert said, sadly. It seemed today he was bothering all of his friends. Today _really_ did not seem to be his day...

"I really appreciate you making me mess up, Bert..." Bentley growled. "You know what, Bert? Why don't you go ask Lisa if she'll go sledding with you? I'm sure you'd _love_ that..." Bentley was well aware Bert was in love with his sister, and to this day, he still liked to occasionally tease him about it. He couldn't quite understand why exactly Bert would be attracted to her; Bentley had found her much too bossy sometimes. Bentley really didn't know very much about the subject of love...

A big goofy grin came across Bert's face. "You think she would be up for that?" he asked excitedly.

"Sure," Bentley said, opening up another document as he prepared to start his report a second time. "Go ask her."

"Oh, I will, Bentley!" Bert chuckled as he closed the door behind him.

"Alright, now how did I start this last time..." Bentley wondered.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, Lisa was busy in her room, talking on the phone to one of her friends from Evergreen University. She figured she'd see what her friends were up to now that they were on their winter vacation. "Why, that's fascinating, Sally," Lisa said to her friend. "So what did Frederick do next? He did? Really? I don't mean to sound rude, but I always thought Frederick was short of a few marbles..."<p>

At that moment, Bert came in. "I bet she'll be eager to go sledding with me..." he said silently to himself. Bert would do just about anything to spend some quality time with Lisa-his one true love in the whole world-besides peanut butter, that is. Bert had never had a meaningful relationship in his entire life up to this point. He'd never lasted more than about three months with any girl, and he hadn't been on a date in several years-besides that time Annie Ringtail had purchased him at the bachelor's auction. "_That was a rather embarrassing memory__,_" Bert thought to himself. Bert wasn't sure he'd ever find love; that is, until the day Lisa stepped off the train a couple years ago. He had last seen her many years before when she had just been a scrawny young kit, not even half as tall as she was now. She had grown up so much since he'd last seen her, he didn't even recognize her at first. But almost instantly, he was smitten with her-he'd felt certain she was the one for him. He'd never really felt like that for anyone before. Bert hadn't exactly made a good impression upon her, though, as he'd tried to rush her into a relationship with him, but in the time since then the two had become friends. Bert, however, still remained hopeful that with time perhaps they could be something more...

"Hey, Lisa!" Bert called to her, distracting Lisa from her phone conversation.

"Hold on a minute, Sally," Lisa said to her friend as she put the phone aside for a moment. "What do you want, Bert? I'm busy talking to my friend Sally from Evergreen U. Can't this wait?"

Bert hadn't expected her to be annoyed at him. "Uh, well, Lisa," he said, rather meekly, "I was hoping, you know, perhaps you'd like to go sledding with me? I mean, I think it would be a good way to have fun..."

"Sorry, no can do, Bert," Lisa replied, firmly. "Perhaps another day. I'm a little busy right now."

"But Lisa, you can talk to Sally anytime..." Bert pleaded with her.

"Well, I don't get to see her during Christmas vacation, she lives far away in Manitoba and she went back home for Christmas," Lisa answered, "so I figured today would be a good day to talk to her."

"Oh..." Bert sighed, dejectedly. Not even the girl of his dreams wanted him around today...

"I'll see you at the party tonight, Bert. Maybe we can talk then?"

"Right, right, at the party," Bert said, dishearteningly. He mumbled to himself. "I guess I'll just go for a walk around the forest or something...I can tell when I'm not wanted..." Bert closed the door and headed downstairs and out of the house to go take a walk.

Lisa looked a bit concerned to see Bert looking depressed, but she shrugged it off. "Ah, I'm sure he'll be fine come the time of the party."

* * *

><p>The hours passed. Bert had been pacing back and forth throughout the Forest, thinking about the events of today. How he seemed to be causing trouble for all of his friends. How nobody seemed to want him around. Bert felt quite unwanted...<p>

"And today looked like it was going to be such a great one this morning..." Bert sighed heavily. It was almost dusk now, and almost time for Ralph and Melissa's party to begin. "You know what..." Bert said aloud to himself. "I'm not going to that party. If everyone's reactions to me today tells me anything, I'm sure they won't want me there. Matter of fact, I don't think anyone wants me around..."

Bert felt truly depressed right now.

"I can't help but feel like I'm a burden to everyone. I seem to be able to push everyone's buttons and rub them the wrong way more often than not. I'm sure Ralph and Melissa are tired of having me around-I bet they'd like to see me move out..." Bert sighed. "Plus, I bet because of me they don't get to have their..."alone" time they ought to have together, seeing as they are married and all." Bert looked down at the snowbank he was slowly trudging through. "I bet it's all because of me they don't have kids..."

Bert continued walking. "And Cedric. I think I'm getting on his nerves too. I bet he'd be a lot happier not having to deal with me too..."

Bert slowly began heading towards the frozen ice of the Evergreen Lake-the very same place where he and his friends had managed to defeat Cyril Sneer and his bear goons to save the Lake from being turned into a hockey arena complex. "Bentley would probably be happier without me too. If he gets a bad grade in school, it's probably because of me. I think I'm a bad influence on him..."

Bert despairingly made his way across the ice. "And Lisa. Oh, how I love her..." He sighed. "But no matter what I do, I can't seem to ever impress her. Quite honestly, I don't think she likes me at all. She's probably tired of me trying to hang around her. I guarantee she would be much happier if I were out of her fur forever..."

Bert sighed again as he continued his trek across the ice. "You know, I can't help but wonder if everyone's lives would be better off if I'd never been born at all. I'm certain they'd all be quite happier, for sure..."

At that moment, Bert suddenly lost his footing on the ice.

"Uh-oh...WOAAAAAAHHHH!" Bert screamed as he tripped and flew through the air, having slipped on the ice. He landed backwards and hit his head on the hard ice. "Oh...oh, my aching head..." Bert had taken quite a heavy blow to the head. He felt the throbbing pain searing through his forehead. "I'll just lay here for a while..." Bert said. He just felt he should lie where he'd landed.

After a while, Bert opened his eyes...and received the surprise of a lifetime.

There standing before him was an older raccoon. He was wearing a tattered old shirt, and he looked like the years had not been too kind to him. Bert somehow thought this raccoon seemed familiar in a way, but he knew he'd never seen him before in his life. Bert felt scared seeing a stranger looking down upon him. The strange raccoon smiled at him.

"W-who are you?" Bert asked, a tinge of fear to his voice.

"Ah, Bert," the raccoon replied in a friendly, warm tone of voice. It sounded much like the voice of an authority figure, one whom you were supposed to trust; much like a father figure. "I've seen so much of you for many years. But at last, we finally meet each other face to face."

_Now_ Bert felt terrified. No doubt this was some crazy, deranged stalker who had been following him for years and had planned for this very moment. Bert feared that he was about to be kidnapped, taken back to this stranger's place, tortured, potentially raped, and then in all likelihood murdered. He was truly terrified. "W-who on earth are you? How do you know my name?" Bert said, frightened out of his mind. "You're not about to kidnap me, are you?"

The stranger laughed heartily. "Haha, no Bert. You see, Bert, I've known all about you for nearly as long as you've been alive. I know nearly everything about you-and some things you probably don't know about yourself. I know all about your friends too. You could say that I've always been there for you, looking out for you. But you have never met me until now."

Bert was confused by this stranger's statement. "What are you trying to say?"

"Bert, I'm here to stop you from making a horrible mistake," the strange raccoon calmly replied.

"I still don't know who you are," Bert said, still a little afraid.

"Well," the stranger began, "Bert, allow me to introduce myself to you, if I may. Bert Raccoon, my name is Len, and I am your guardian angel."

"W-what?" Bert nearly fainted.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, back at the Raccoondominium, Ralph and Melissa had finished setting up for their Christmas party. It'd taken them a few hours, but they had really managed to make the place stand out.<p>

Ralph smiled, proud of the job they had done. "Well, Melissa," he said to his wife. "We have our place all ready for the party. And the guests should be here any minute. Boy, won't they be impressed!" He chuckled to himself. "This is certainly going to beat George's party, that's for sure!"

Melissa smiled. "I wouldn't go that far, but at least it'll be as memorable."

"It's a good thing we did it ourselves; with Bert, we might still be trying to finish up!" Ralph laughed again.

Melissa suddenly looked a little concerned. "Where exactly _is_ Bert, anyways? He should have been here a while ago, shouldn't he?"

Ralph reassured her. "Melissa, honey, I'm sure Bert is just fine and dandy. He's probably with Cedric and Sophia-you know, because we suggested he go help Cedric? You wait, when Cedric and Sophia arrive, Bert will probably be with them."

Melissa looked a bit unsure, but she decided Ralph was probably telling the truth. "You're right Ralph. Bert is probably with them. I hope he's not upset at us not wanting him to help..."

At that moment, the doorbell rang. "Ah, our first guests!" Ralph excitedly raced to the door and opened it. "Come in, come in!"

At the door were Schaeffer and a raccoon dressed up as Santa Claus.

"Hello there, Ralph," Schaeffer greeted him.

"It's good to see you, Schaeffer," Ralph replied. "Do come in!" He then looked to the strange raccoon dressed up as Santa Claus. "Say, Schaef, who is this?"

The Santa raccoon gleefully answered, in a fairly gruff tone, "Don't you recognize who I am? Why, I'm Santa Claus. Ho, ho, ho, Merry Christmas!"

Ralph looked incredulous. "Sure you are..."

Melissa took notice of a certain detail of the mystery raccoon's face. "Wait a minute, an eyepatch...Ralph, who do we know who has an eyepatch?"

"Well, Sir Malcolm Havelock, for one," Ralph replied, "and, uh, I'm trying to remember who else..."

Melissa at that moment immediately knew who "Santa" really was. "Dad!" she exclaimed as she raced towards him. Santa, of course, was none other than Mike Mulligan. Mike stood there as Melissa raced into his arms. "Dad, it's been a while since I've seen you. How have you been?"

Mike smiled as he hugged his daughter. "Eh, well, I've been fine, honey. The bar is doing just fine, indeed. Seems I have more customers all the time."

"Oh, hello there, Mike," Ralph spoke to his father-in-law. "What made you decide to dress up as Santa?"

"I'll answer that," Schaeffer replied. "Mike decided to dress up as Santa to surprise the orphans down at Evergreen Orphanage. Every kid should get to see Santa, after all."

"Heh, it was Schaef's idea," Mike laughed. Over the years Mike and Schaeffer had become good friends. "But ya know, it was nice to see the joy on those poor kids' faces when I showed up. Those poor orphans need some happiness in their depressing lives. It won't be too much longer before they discover Santa isn't real, after all..."

"That was very thoughtful of you two," Melissa said, pleased to see how selfless her father had been. For a gruff, aging raccoon with a bad temper, Mike could be quite selfless and thoughtful.

"Well, if it cheers them up..." Ralph replied, as the doorbell rang again.

"I'll get it!" he said as he opened up the door to Cedric and Sophia.

"Hello there, Ralph!" Cedric enthusiastically greeted him.

"Hi, Ralph," Sophia waved.

"Good to see you two made it. Ah, I see you've brought our Christmas cake," Ralph chuckled.

"Sure did, Ralph! Though, I must admit, Sophia actually made this one..."

"And I brought the eggnog, too," Sophia smiled.

"I thought you were bringing both of those, Cedric?"

"Actually, I decided to bring the eggnog," Sophia answered. "My father made it himself. He really does know how to make the best eggnog!"

"Boy, does he ever," Mike replied. "I remember the other day he brought some up to the Beer Emporium. Damn, was it good..."

"Wait a minute..." Melissa had noticed something. "Bert isn't with you two...?"

"Bert?" Sophia responded. "No, Cedric did say he saw him earlier today, but I haven't seen him..."

"Bert showed up today to try to help me make my cake. He, heheh, kind of messed it up and I was just fortunate enough that Sophia had made one of her own..."

"Figures," Ralph said as he shook his head. That was pretty typical of Bert.

"But I suggested he go try and help George out. He's probably with George and his family." Cedric then chuckled. "Knowing Bert, he probably spent the whole day with Lisa..."

"Bert still loves her, doesn't he?" Sophia asked.

"Far as I know," Ralph replied.

"Well, I guess we'll wait until George shows up. Bert should be with them...I hope..." Melissa said, nervously.

At that moment, speak of the devil, George rang the doorbell. Ralph opened the door.

"Ah, big brother! So you finally made it," Ralph chuckled.

"Couldn't miss out on my little brother's Christmas party, could I?" George laughed as he lightly punched Ralph in the arm.

"Hey!" he shouted.

"Just had to do that, heheh."

"Looks like you put an awful lot of effort into this, Uncle Ralph!" Bentley chuckled.

"Sure did," Ralph laughed.

"Very nice job there, Ralph," Nicole complimented. "I'm zure thez will be an occazion to remember."

"It should be, Nicole..." Melissa idly replied, suddenly realizing something. "Wait, Bert's not with you all either?"

"No," George replied. "But I did see him earlier today."

"He tried to ask me to go sledding with him, but I told him no," Bentley answered. "I had a history report to finish up. Maybe I should have taken Bert up on his offer."

Lisa visibly looked concerned. "Bert tried to ask me that too, and I also told him no. He said he'd be going out for a walk in the forest. I assumed he'd be back here by now, but he's not here..."

Melissa realized something. "You mean...Bert is out there somewhere in the Forest alone? But it's night time outside, and the temperature is going to be well below freezing!"

"He won't be able to survive out there all night!" Cedric exclaimed.

"Uh oh..." Bentley said to himself.

Lisa looked saddened. "I should have agreed to go sledding with Bert, then at least we'd know where he was..." She looked around and said to herself. "you know what? I can't stay here while Bert is missing. I'm going to go find him and bring him back here-even if I have to do it myself."

"Liza, wait! You can't go off by yourself!" Nicole shouted.

"I'll go with you, Lisa," Bentley said to his sister. "We have to find Bert. I'm sure if I were missing, he'd probably be out looking for me too. Same goes for you."

"C'mon then, Bentley," Lisa said as she opened the door. "Let's find Bert." With that, Lisa and Bentley ran out into the cold night to look for Bert, before George and Nicole had the chance to stop them.

"They can't go off by themselves!" George exclaimed, worriedly. "They'll freeze to death before too long..."

"I'll go help look for him," Cedric volunteered. "Sophia," he said, turning to his girlfriend. "You stay here, I have to help find Bert. I feel guilty about what I told him earlier..."

"Be careful, Cedric..." Sophia warned him, as he dashed off into the snowy land as well.

"Ralph, we have to help them too," Melissa spoke to her husband. "We can't have this party without knowing where Bert is. I mean, he could be out there hurt for all we know..."

Ralph moaned. "But, Melissa, we spent all this time preparing for the party...besides, Bert is a grown man. We're not his parents. He can take care of himself..."

Melissa grew upset at Ralph's behavior. "Forget the party, Ralph! How can you say that?" she snapped at him. "What is more important-this party and your social status or the well-being of your old friend? When you were in your darkest hours, who helped pick you back up?"

"Bert did..." Ralph sheepishly replied.

"Yes, and think about it. Where would you be without his help?"

"Well, I don't think there'd be an _Evergreen Standard_," he admitted, "and I'm fairly certain I would have never gotten to know you."

"So, think about it, Ralph," Melissa said, trying to get her point across. "If it were you in trouble, I'm beyond certain Bert would be trying to help you in some way. You should return that favor. Remember the last time Bert went off without telling anyone where he was going? That was when he went to Jack Pine Island. You remember what happened there, don't you?"

"Of course," Ralph responded. "Bert suffered a nasty concussion when he fell out of a tree. He ended up spending some time in bed. It took him a while to get back on his feet again...I-I-I hope we're not in for a repeat of that...or worse..." _Now_ Ralph felt concerned about Bert. He felt very bad for having been so selfish today and wanting to impress everybody with his party. "You know what, you're right, dear. We should go look for Bert before something bad happens to him."

"Well," Melissa looked to him, "come on honey. Let's go help them find him." With that, she exited the opened door into the snowy night.

"Right behind you, Melissa," Ralph replied. "Boy, I feel like a jackass..." he muttered. As he threw on a coat in a hurry, Ralph quickly spoke to George, "George, keep everybody entertained while we're gone. Tell them some jokes or something, I don't know. Anything that'll keep them from getting restless."

"Me?" George was surprised. "But-but-but I'm no good at telling jokes-everyone says I have a horrendous sense of humor..."

"Try!" Ralph shouted as he followed his wife.

"Oh boy..." George said nervously.

"I'm zure you can think of zomething, dear," Nicole encouraged him.

"I don't know..."

Mike Mulligan glared at George. He had never particularly liked George-it all stemmed back to when they'd first met just before Melissa's wedding to Ralph. George had called him Melissa's grandfather-unintentionally pissing him off. "So, _George_," Mike growled. "I heard you were quite the comedian. Go on. Tell me a _good _joke," he sneered.

George nervously gulped and thought of the first thing that came to his mind. "Uh, so well, this guy goes to a bar and asks the bartender to recommend a good drink. And the bartender recommends a grasshopper, and so he orders a grasshopper. Then he heads home and he sees this grasshopper sitting there on the ground. And he speaks to the grasshopper, 'You know, they have a drink named after you.' And the grasshopper replies, 'You mean they have a drink called Edward?' Haha! Funny, isn't it?"

Mike glared intensely at George. "Your jokes _stink_, George. By the way, nice job taking a swipe at us bartenders..."

"Oh..." No matter what, George always seemed to get onto Mike's bad side without meaning to...

* * *

><p>Bert was still lying in the snow bank, still amazed at what this stranger, Len, had told him.<p>

"So you're saying you're my guardian angel." Bert could not help but be skeptical.

"That's right," Len replied.

"But you can't _possibly_ be an angel! You don't look anything like what angels are supposed to look like. Angels are supposed to have wings! And you don't have any. Unless you're one of those fallen angels..."

Len calmly replied. "No, Bert, I'm not one of the fallen angels. I really and truly am your guardian angel. You see, Bert, that's a stereotype that TV wants you to believe; that angels always have wings. But you see, not _every_ angel does."

"I don't know if I believe you," Bert hesitantly replied.

"There are several ranks of angels, Bert. Only the highest ranked ones have their wings. I happen to be only a second class angel," Len admitted. "I reckon I'll earn my wings someday..."

"I suppose I believe you..." Bert responded. He didn't know _what_ to believe right now. "So why exactly are you here anyways?"

"Well," Len cautiously answered, "I've been sent to show you the error of your ways, Bert. I am here to show you that life is not as bad as you are making it out to be. You think your friends don't care about you, but they do, Bert. They really do. You have a better life than you're giving yourself credit."

Bert scoffed. "No, they don't. All I seem to be is a burden to them. I just seem to get in their way. I'm certain they would be much happier without me around."

Len looked surprised. "You can't say things like that, Bert. You don't realize it, but in a way you've affected everyone's lives in a positive way."

"Yeah, right," Bert sarcastically replied. "More like for the worse..."

Len sighed. "I can see you're going to be a tough nut to crack, Bert..."

"Len, I honestly think everyone's lives would be a whole lot better if I'd never been born at all. I'm sure everyone would have turned out for the better," Bert sadly said.

Len looked quite terrified at what Bert had just said. "Bert, you can't possibly think that, can you?"

"I can and I do."

"What do you think everyone's lives would be like without you?" Len asked.

"Well, I think Ralph would be the head of a major multi-million dollar newspaper corporation," Bert replied. "And Melissa, she would be dolled up to be Ralph's trophy wife. Plus I think they'd have a kid or two. Cedric would be much wealthier and would make better business decisions without me. Without me, Bentley would probably be well on his way to graduating high school early and heading to college. And Lisa, I'm sure she'd be happy without me pestering her all the time."

"You really think that, Bert?" Len looked saddened to hear that.

"Yes, I do," Bert firmly replied. "I wish I was never born, Len..."

"You can't possibly-wait a minute!" Len had suddenly gotten an idea. "I _can _grant that wish for you, no problem."

"You can? Then do it, please," Bert said.

"Wish granted, Bert!" Len excitedly exclaimed as he snapped his fingers. "Bert Raccoon, you have now officially never been born!"

Bert looked around. "That's funny, it still feels like I have..."

Len grinned. "Follow me, Bert. I'll show you how different everything and everyone is without you."

Bert hesitantly followed Len, unsure of the sights he was about to see...

**END CHAPTER ONE**

**AUTHOR'S NOTE**: And there's chapter one. Find out in Chapter 2 what everyone's life would be like without Bert...But first, a few notes.

The song on the radio when Ralph is decorating the Christmas tree is an old song by Jethro Tull called "A Christmas Song." It was the B-side of one of the band's very first singles, "Love Story", (on the single Ian Anderson is miscredited as Ian _Henderson_-not as bad as their first single "Sunshine Day" where the band's name itself was horrendously mangled as "Jethro **_Toe_**") and it is exactly what the title says it is-it's a Christmas song. However, it's _not _your typical Christmas song, as you see by the lyrics...Some other lyrics include, "_You're missing the point I'm sure does not need making, that Christmas spirit is...not what you drink!_" It's not so much anti-Christmas as it is more anti-Christmas commercialism-a point I can definitely understand. This song definitely made me think, I'll say that. Ironically enough, it seems our singer is a hypocrite, as he's evidently singing this song at a Christmas party while drunk-at the end of the song he faintly asks a companion, "Hey, Santa! Pass us that bottle, will ya?" Strong words from a hypocrite. There's a reason I put it in here-I've never heard this song on a radio station at Christmas time and I think it would be damned hilarious if some station did naively play it without knowing the song's message, so, there ya go...

Yeah, Alvin and the Chipmunks-I just wanted to do that. Truthfully, I _do _like the Chipmunks-I'm not a major fan, but I do hold some respect for the old '80s cartoon and their music does hold an interesting novelty value. I just wanted to do that, since I'm sure all of us have our guilty pleasures...heheh. The funny thing is the thing I'm going to most remember about the Chipmunks is seeing on Robot Chicken a sketch supposedly showing the real origin behind their high-pitched voices-they were singing their Christmas song in a studio in their "real" voices, which are deep and masculine, like your typical male. Dave promptly tells the record producer they're the worst thing he's ever heard (truthfully they don't sound too bad with deep voices) and that they eat him out of house and home. So Dave picks up a canister of "Deadly Helium" and throws it into the studio to try to kill them. Almost immediately their voices rise up to their familiar high-pitched tone. Dave and the record producer instantly like the way they sound and comment on how this could sell millions of albums, but at that moment Alvin, Simon, and Theodore all keel over and die from inhaling too much of the gas, prompting Dave to remark, "oh, right...the deadly helium." I like the Chipmunks and I genuinely found that funny in a weird way. See, that's why I'd want to see that show take on the Raccoons-who knows what they'd come up with? They could do it-according to that show and Family Guy, the 1980s evidently never ended...

Oh and that song George hurriedly changed to is "Rocka Rolla" by Judas Priest-the title track of their 1974 debut album. You'll never actually hear that song on a classic rock station, but this song should be played by them (as well as a few others from that album). It's odd this song is about women, considering frontman Rob Halford is gay...it feels weird seeing a gay man singing about women (to me, at least!) Still, I don't care that he's gay-does not make me enjoy that band any less. (That shouldn't make ANYONE enjoy a band less in the first place-if it does, you might be a homophobe. I've seen people say kids should not be exposed to Elton John since it will turn them gay-sickening, I know.)

And as for why Bert's guardian angel is named Len-I don't _have _to explain that, do I? If I do, I am very saddened.

So in Chapter 2, we'll see how everyone's lives would be without Bert. I do hope you've enjoyed the bits of humor in this chapter-as next chapter will be pretty close to bone dry when it comes to humor...


	2. Chapter 2: Without You

**AUTHOR'S NOTE**: So, in chapter 1, Bert met his guardian angel and wished that he was never born. Now, here in Chapter 2, we'll see what becomes of everybody without Bert. I may be taking a fair amount of liberty here...but please don't complain that everyone here is violently out of character. That is the point-this is a universe without Bert. Of _course_ everyone's character would turn out different.

_**WARNING**_: The following chapter may be very sad and depressing seeing everyone's fates, don't say I didn't forewarn you!

_**Deck The Halls With Legal**__** Disclaimers: **__I do not own the rights to the Raccoons, nor will I ever. I've just come to accept this...okay, why the hell is it that I feel I need to stuff one of these in every chapter of everything I write? I mean, seriously, who the hell actually reads these?_

**CHAPTER TWO:** **Without You **

As Bert got up to follow Len, he suddenly slipped on the ice again and fell down, hitting his head on the ice hard once more.

"Ohhhhh..." Bert moaned; placing his paw upon his forehead, as the throbbing sensation was more severe this time. "Today is not my day..."

After several minutes, Bert presently opened his eyes again. Len was nowhere to be seen.

"Huh?" Bert thought to himself. "I guess I must have just imagined him being there...boy, I sure _can_ let my imagination run a little TOO wild, sometimes," he nervously chuckled.

But as Bert rubbed his eyes, he noticed something very different. It felt like he was in the same place as before, but everything looked...different. It was clear he wasn't at Evergreen Lake anymore. Bert frantically looked around and took in his surroundings. Ice, goal nets, stands, a score board... "What the..." Bert said to himself. "I'm in a...a hockey rink? What am I doing here? How'd I get here?"

"Surprised?" a voice called behind him.

Bert jumped a little. "Aaah!" he shrieked, as he turned around to see the stranger. Sure enough, there was Len, smiling brightly at him.

"Oh, it's you," Bert said a little relieved. "I guess...you weren't a part of my imagination..."

"Nope," Len replied. "I'm as real as real can be."

"I see," Bert said, lowly. Presently, he asked, "So, Len, tell me, what are we doing inside a hockey arena? Why'd you take me here?"

"We're in the same place as we were before," Len firmly answered, "only now, you have never been born."

"You mean..." Bert said, suddenly realizing something. "There's a hockey arena atop the Lake? When did this happen?"

"I'll explain in a moment, Bert," Len said, "but first, why don't you follow me outside. Let us take a look and see what has changed around the Evergreen Forest, shall we?"

Bert shrugged. He couldn't think of anything better to do. "I suppose so..." Bert reluctantly followed his guardian angel outside the arena, where Bert was in for an even bigger surprise.

"What the?" Bert could hardly believe his eyes. Before him, there was no trace of the Evergreen Forest at all. No trees in sight. Instead, all he could see before him was the hustle and bustle of a big city. Car horns blaring. Lots of smog and grime everywhere. Towering skyscrapers. Construction crews working on building new skyscrapers. It was daytime outside, but with all the smog you couldn't have guessed it was. Bert was in utter disbelief at what he was seeing.

"Len!" he shouted, frantically. "What's all this? Where is the Evergreen Forest? Why are we in a city? I hate the city, why did you take me here for?"

Len calmly replied, "Bert, this is the Evergreen Forest. Actually, I should correct myself. This _was_ the Evergreen Forest, once..."

Bert didn't know what to say. "What do you mean, 'was' the Evergreen Forest?"

Len sighed. "Bert...welcome to Sneeropolis. That little hockey arena we were just in is the Sneeropolis Cyril Dome; home of the Sneeropolis Aardvarks, an up-and-coming hockey team."

Bert was aghast. "Sneeropolis...? What on earth are you talking about? How did the Evergreen Forest become Sneeropolis? I demand an explanation!"

Len slowly began to explain. "Well, Bert, do you remember when you and your friends took on Cyril Sneer and his bear minions to save Evergreen Lake?"

Bert thought for a moment. "Of course I do, Len! One of my prouder memories-I got hurt and I was still able to help us win! Boy, the look on Ol' Hose-Nose's face was priceless when he lost!" Bert couldn't help but laugh.

Len smiled, "Well, yes, Bert. That was one of your braver moments indeed. But you see, Bert," he said as his voice took on a more grim tone, "in this world, remember, you were never born. And it was you who had the idea for the hockey game to begin with, remember?"

Bert nodded. "Yes, but wouldn't Ralph and Melissa have opposed Cyril? And Schaeffer? Cedric? Sophia? They all would have opposed him; they would surely have been able to stop his plans without me."

"You may think that, Bert, but as you see, they weren't able to. There's a reason Ralph and Melissa weren't able to, but we'll get to them in due time," Len hesitantly said. He dreaded seeing Bert's reactions to what had become of _them_...

"Fair enough..." Bert sighed, deciding to go with it. "But what about Cedric, Schaeffer, and Sophia?"

"Well, we'll get to Cedric in just a moment," Len informed him, "but as for Sophia, or 'Sofa Girl' as Cyril knows her as? Cyril had her locked away in his dungeon for trying to sway Cedric into helping stop him. She's still in the dungeon to this very day. As for Schaeffer, he was the only one to attempt to oppose Cyril's plan to destroy the Lake. You take a guess at how that turned out," Len said, in a very ominous tone.

"I take it he was demolished?" Bert asked.

"Yes, and then some. Cyril had him imprisoned as well for trying to oppose him, and he is still locked away in the Sneer dungeons as well. With no one able to oppose him, Cyril destroyed the Lake and placed the Cyril Dome atop where it used to be. From there, he got greedy and decided the whole Forest needed to go as well. So he completely bulldozed the whole Forest, paved it over with concrete, and began building his city atop of it. That city is now Sneeropolis, which you now see before you."

Bert was very skeptical of all this. "I think you're trying to pull one over on me, Len," he scoffed. "_No way_ this could have happened if I wasn't born. And besides, what about Cedric? Show me him!"

Len decided to handle this cautiously. "Let's remain patient there, Bert. If I may continue, there were a good many people opposed to Cyril destroying the Forest. All those who opposed them were either captured by him and tossed into his dungeons, or went into hiding deep within the city to avoid being captured by him. Many people in this town live in fear of the Sneers," he said, solemnly.

"Sounds like a very nasty place..." Bert said, warily.

"Indeed, it is," Len sighed. "Would you like to see Sneer Mansion?"

"I suppose so," Bert sighed, already hesitant about what sight might greet him next...

"Then come with me!" Len exclaimed as he snapped his fingers again.

* * *

><p>Suddenly, Bert found himself on the familiar grounds of Sneer Mansion. But something seemed quite different about them...the mansion was more than twice the size he'd remembered it being. There were many statues of Cyril and Cedric adorning the grounds; the place seemed much more lavish and extravagant that it had ever been before. Bert took a look around and realized he was inside of the Mansion's hedge maze.<p>

"Notice anything different, Bert?" Len asked.

"Well, this place looks like it really got spruced up!" Bert chuckled.

Bert began stumbling around the maze, when suddenly he saw a very familiar face hiding in the hedges...

"Hey, it's old Mike Mulligan! Hey, Mike!" Bert called out to the older raccoon.

Len shook his head. "Bert, remember, you were never born! He won't recognize you; you don't exist to him!"

But it was for naught, as Bert raced towards the aged raccoon hiding in the brush.

"Oh no..." Mike muttered to himself. "I've been discovered!"

Bert grabbed Mike and pulled him out of the hedges. "Mike, what are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be tending to your bar?"

Mike looked at Bert like he was absolutely insane. "_Who _are you? How the hell d'you know my name? How did _YOU_ know I once owned a bar at one time?" the old raccoon growled.

"Mike, you don't remember me? It's me, Bert! I'm a friend of your daughter's!"

Mike still glared at Bert. "I don't know _who_ the hell you are, but I know for a fact my daughter has never known a Bert in her lifetime. How the hell did you even know I had a daughter?"

Bert was confused. Why didn't Mike recognize him? "Len," he whispered, "why doesn't Mike know who I am?"

"Because you were never born, Bert. As you were never born, he has no clue who you are."

"Oh," Bert said to himself as Len disappeared.

Mike still was glaring away at Bert, his one eye showing a look of agitation. "Explain yourself, buster..."

"Uh," Bert quickly thought something up, hoping he'd buy it. "I'm a distant relative of your late wife. Yeah, that's who I am. I figured I'd come up and see you, heheh." Bert just hoped that Mike would buy it...

To his surprise, Mike didn't question Bert. "Ah, nice to see a distant relative of mine, then. Thought almost all of you were dead. So anyways..." Mike explained, "d'you care to know what I'm doing?"

"What are you up to?" Bert asked.

"I'm here as I'm about to begin my plan to overthrow that tyrannical Sneer and save the people trapped in their dungeons. It's a _brilliant_ plan..." he chuckled. "The only problem is I'm in it alone. I've been in hiding for years ever since they forced my bar to close down years ago and they leveled the Forest to the ground. But I'm gonna change that!"

"What do you mean, 'they'?" Bert said, confused. "Cyril is pretty crazy, I know, but Cedric is one of the nicest guys I know! He'd _never_ do anything like that!"

Mike glared at Bert yet again. "I don't know _what _crazy land you come from, but that Cedric Sneer is a complete monster! He's even worse than his father was. If he catches me he'll surely have me kill-" At that moment, suddenly, Bert could hear voices, and the sounds of dogs barking.

"An intruder!" Bert heard a voice sounding much like the voice of Cyril's pig Lloyd shouting frantically. "We've found an intruder! Release the hounds! Go on boys, let's catch us an intruder!"

At that moment, Bert heard the sound of snarling dogs heading towards the hedge maze.

"Oh, great!" Mike said, looking terrified out of his mind. "Thanks to you, we've been discovered! If you value your hide, run for it!" With that, Mike frantically dashed through the maze as fast as he could, but his arthritis was not a big help.

"What's going on, Len?" Bert asked, confused, as Len had now reappeared before him.

"Those are Cedric's guard dogs. They're trained to viciously take down any intruder and bring them to their master where they'll be punished. If they catch you you'll be in for a rather horrible fate. Mike here is about to be in for a world of hurt...To keep you from being captured, I'm going to make you invisible. You know, like a spirit; a phantom, if you will. That way the dogs won't find you," he explained.

This only raised _more _questions from Bert. "But why does Cedric have guard dogs? Why would he want to punish anyone? Cedric is a nice guy! He couldn't possibly-"

"We have no time, Bert!" Len frantically exclaimed as he snapped his fingers. At that moment, Bert was rendered invisible; just in time, too, as a bunch of dogs that looked like Snag came rushing by frantically barking. Well, they _looked_ like Snag, but they seemed considerably more vicious and aggressive than Snag had ever been.

Mike was trying to outrun the dogs, but it was no use, as he stepped into a rut and twisted his ankle. "OWWWWWWW!" he screamed as he fell to the ground, realizing he was in severe trouble. The dogs quickly ganged up on poor Mike and began viciously biting and mauling him.

"Poor Mike..." Bert said sadly to himself, rather horrified to see Mike being savagely attacked.

"Indeed. He's really in a whole mess of trouble now," Len said, a look of sympathy in his eye. "But anyways, you said you wanted to see what has become of Cedric."

"Yes," Bert said. "I can't believe what I'm hearing about him. Please, show me him, Len!"

"As you wish, Bert..." Len sighed as he snapped his fingers once more.

* * *

><p>With that Bert found himself in the chambers of Sneer Mansion. Sure enough, there was Cedric, sitting comfortably in a recliner chair. A wicked grin was firmly planted upon his face; Bert was unnerved by it. Cedric had never looked that <em>nasty<em> before...

"Just to let you know, Bert," Len spoke into Bert's ear, "we're still invisible. There is a very good reason for that, as you will see soon enough..."

"What would that be-" Bert was interrupted as the trio of pigs brought in Mike Mulligan. Mike's paws and feet were shackled together to keep him from trying to escape. He also looked quite...chewed-up, from his encounter with the guard dogs that led to his being captured.

"Boss!" Lloyd gleefully exclaimed. "Look what we caught sneaking around the hedge maze!"

"An intruder!" Boyd grinned.

"He thought he could overthrow you and save those commoners locked away in your dungeon. Boy, wasn't he _foolish_ to think that!" Floyd laughed as his two brothers joined him in their fit of mirth.

"Ah, good, good..." Cedric grinned, in a particularly nasty tone, rubbing his hands together gleefully. "_SO!_" he sneered viciously at Mike. "You thought you could overthrow me, _ME?_ The mighty Cedric Sneer? What were _YOU_ thinking?" he laughed, evilly.

"Yes," Mike defiantly grinned. "I was planning on overthrowing you! It's about time you and your father's reign of terror came to an end! Five years is long enough! I won't be satisfied until you have fallen, you bastard!"

Cedric laughed. "I'm afraid for you my reign will be lasting for many years to come..." he said, ominously. "You know, there are _plenty_ of things I could do to you..."

Mike barked out, "Do whatever you want to me! I don't care! If I have to die for opposing you and your evil ways, then I'll do just that! One day you will fall, and that'll be quite a happy day for all of us!"

Cedric laughed. "PAH! You think I'm going to fall? I believe you are sadly mistaken. But, you say you're willing to die for the cause you believe in. An honorable one you are, I see. I can't turn down a request like that. GUARDS!" Cedric called, as a couple of the bears came out.

"Yes, boss?" one of the bears asked in his dim-witted voice.

"Take this _commoner_ away. You _know _what to do with him..." he chuckled, in a very unnerving tone. Bert watched on in horror, not believing what he was seeing out of Cedric. "Well, Mike, any last words?" he grinned, evilly.

"I'm not afraid to die," Mike defiantly smirked. "At least when I die I won't have to live in fear of you anymore!"

"Very well," Cedric smirked. "Take him away, guards!"

"As you wish, Boss..." the other bear dully replied as they took Mike away, presumably to where he was about to pay for being captured with his life.

Bert was aghast. "My...my...my gosh..." he said, still having a hard time fathoming what he had just seen. "I...I don't believe it...was that really...Cedric?"

Len nodded, solemnly. "I'm afraid so, Bert. That was Cedric, alright."

"But...but...how did he turn out to be that without me around? Cedric didn't have a mean bone in his body! How could he have turned out to be that?"

"Well, Cedric was a nice kid...up until a certain point anyways. You and Ralph met him when you were young children in elementary school. Cedric had been bullied in his previous schools, and he had never had a true friend up until that point. But you, Bert, you offered Cedric the gift of friendship. You offered to be his friend. And that meant volumes to him. But here in this world, you never were born, so you weren't there to befriend him," Len explained.

"But wouldn't Ralph have befriended him?" Bert queried.

"Bert, Ralph was hesitant to befriend Cedric until you convinced him that Cedric couldn't be as bad as he was made out to be. So without you he never approached Cedric at all."

"Huh," Bert said, taking this all in.

"Without your friendship, Cedric found himself bullied all the way up until the end of high school. Rather _horribly_ bullied, I might say. The only real influences on his life were those bullies and Cyril. And Cyril was _definitely_ not a positive influence."

"But Cedric was never greedy or nasty at all. Like I said, he didn't have a mean bone in his body," Bert said, still skeptical.

"Well," Len explained. "You may not know it, Bert, but everyone has the potential to be good or bad. Everyone-yes, including you."

"Even me?"

"Even you," Len nodded. "Cedric felt helpless being bullied all those years. And Cyril filled Cedric's head up with greed and other sorts of...nasty ideas. Cedric slowly began to give into those ideas. The more one gives in to bad, you see, the less likely they are to do good things. And Cedric? He gave in to his bad side. He grew up to be angry, nasty, and resentful of others. Just a couple years ago, Cyril was struck down by ulcers, and since then more health issues have cropped up on him. Now he has to be cared for by servants. Cedric's taken his place and he's turned out to be even _nastier_ then Cyril could ever hope to be. Consequently, because Cedric slowly became evil, Cyril never softened up himself."

Bert was shocked. "I...I never realized I made such an impact on Cedric's life..."

"You did, Bert. You really did. But anyways, we have more to see, Bert."

Bert was still wondering something. "Are we going to see Ralph and Melissa now?"

Len shook his head. "Not _yet_, Bert. In due time, in due time." With that, Len snapped his fingers again.

* * *

><p>Now Bert found himself standing on the streets of Sneeropolis. The dark, dingy, grimy, lonely streets of this dreadfully bleak place. Bert noticed that he was visible again.<p>

"Why are we here, Len?" Bert asked. "And why am I visible now?"

"Well, you're visible again because you're out of danger...for now. And, you'll see, Bert. There's someone very familiar to you out here on the streets..." Len replied.

"Hmm..." Bert looked around and saw an older raccoon sitting on a street corner. The older raccoon was dressed up in a tattered old jacket and looked none the worse for wear; it looked like he had been out on the streets for some time. He was taking swigs out of an old bottle of whiskey.

Bert thought this raccoon looked very familiar. He took a good look at the older raccoon's face, and realized..."DAD!" Bert exclaimed.

"Yes, Bert," Len informed him. "That indeed is your father, Rusty Raccoon."

"Hey, Dad!" Bert called out. Len slapped himself.

"Bert," he called out. "Remember, you don't exist to him!"

"Dad!" Bert said, walking up to his father, Rusty. "What are you doing out here on the streets?"

Rusty looked up at Bert, and just like Mike had, glared at him, warily. "_Who_ are you?" he shouted.

"Dad, don't you remember me?" Bert said, cheerfully. "It's me, your son, Bert! Remember me!"

A look of shock came across Rusty's face. Suddenly, Rusty began to openly weep. "No..." Rusty said, sobbing into his tattered jacket. "I'm being haunted. Haunted by the ghost of my unborn son...go away! Leave me be!" With that, Rusty furiously threw his whiskey bottle at Bert. Bert ducked as it flew over his head. He was confused by his father's behavior.

"What are you talking about?" Bert asked.

"Bert was the name Sarah wanted to name our child..." Rusty sobbed again. "Oh, why have you come to haunt me? Go away!" Rusty screamed frantically.

"O...kay then..." Bert said, stepping aside.

"What on earth's wrong with Dad?" Bert asked Len.

"Remember, Bert, in this world you were never born, right?"

"Right," Bert said. "I'd almost forgotten that..." he sheepishly chuckled, "but, I remember my Dad was always so strict. He never liked me listening to rock music all the time. Sometimes, I don't think he cared very much for me at all, sometimes..." Bert sighed. "But he was always a hard worker! How did he turn out to be...this?"

"Well, Bert, you may not have known it, but you father really and truly did love you. You were his son, his only child. And if you knew how much you'd meant to him, you wouldn't have said he didn't care about you."

"Go on, tell me the story," Bert said, awaiting Len's response.

"Bert, your mother, Sarah, had dearly wanted a child. And your father tried to give her that child. Unfortunately for him, your father had a little...problem."

Bert looked bemused. "What kind of...problem?"

"It's something below the waist…I don't think I need to go into detail there," Len said, trying to move on without really being graphic. "You get the idea."

"Funny..." Bert said to himself. "Dad never told me about that..."

"Well, the doctors said your parents should just give up hope and go ahead and adopt a child, because they assumed because of your father's...problems, they would never naturally have children," Len explained.

"Now why didn't Dad tell me that?" Bert wondered.

"You never asked him, Bert. If you had, you would have seen how much it meant to him when your mother found out she was pregnant. After being told that they'd never have kids, it meant volumes to him that they would indeed have a child. Unfortunately, in this world...you were miscarried," Len said in a very somber tone.

"Oh..." Bert said. That disturbed him more than a little bit.

"Needless to say, Bert, your parents were devastated. Your mother felt she had lost what might very well have been her only chance to have a child. Not too long afterward, your mother died of a broken heart. Well, the doctors said her ventricle burst, but it was really a broken heart. She was heartbroken you weren't born."

"Poor Mom..." Bert said sadly, thinking of his mother. "I knew I meant a lot to her, at least..."

"You really did, Bert. But you meant a lot to your father as well. Your father felt responsible for her death; he felt that he had failed her as a husband. He soon lost his focus and soon found his auto-repair business going under financially. Ever since then, he's been a vagabond. He's also become highly delusional, as you saw..."

Bert felt saddened. He had never known how much he'd really meant to his father. "I see..." Bert looked sadly at Len. "Len, I think I am beginning to realize I do mean something to everybody. Please, take me back, Len, I don't want to see any more of this..."

"I'm afraid I can't simply do that, Bert," Len sighed. "We have some more to see, you know."

"Can't we at least see something happy?" Bert asked, wanting to see something not so horribly depressing.

"Well, Bert, I'm afraid there's not a lot of happiness to be had here," Len informed him.

"Well, who are we going to see next?" Bert asked _very_ hesitantly.

"You'll see, you'll see," Len replied. "But be aware it will not get any better from here, Bert..." With that, Len snapped his fingers.

* * *

><p>Next thing Bert knew, he found himself outside of a house in the suburbs of Sneeropolis. "Where are we now, Len?" Bert was confused by being sent back and forth between different places.<p>

"We're outside the house of a family you know _very_ well, Bert..." Len answered simply.

Bert thought for a moment. "George and Nicole?" he said, out of the blue.

"Correct," Len nodded. "They live just outside of Sneeropolis."

"So they moved here anyways even though I wasn't born?" Bert asked, curiously.

"Why, yes, they did," Len nodded again in confirmation. "You not being born had no effect on whether or not they would get married or move here. They met each other long before they came back here; you played no part in them getting together. So regardless of whether or not you had been born, they still would have ended up together. And Lisa and Bentley would still have been born, regardless. So they still exist. They indeed moved here as George got a job offer out here. Not to work for Mr. Knox, mind you, as in this world the Sneers have destroyed their competition. Here, he's been offered a nice-paying job in an Italian restaurant. But he has to be extra careful; if he loses his job, he could lose _much_ more than that..."

"Hmmm..." Bert said. "Well, let's go see them."

"Not so fast, Bert!" Len shouted.

"What's the matter?"

"You can't just go barging into their house, Bert. You seem to keep forgetting you don't exist in this world. They'd have no idea who you are. They'd consider it breaking and entering, and you'd be put in jail for sure, as the very last time I remember checking, that IS considered a serious criminal offense. And in this backwards of a place, who knows what your punishment would be. I'll render the two of us invisible again, so that we don't draw suspicion." With that, Len snapped his fingers again.

Bert now found himself inside of George and Nicole's home.

"Hey," Bert said, looking at the kitchen table, "there's Nicole." Nicole was indeed sitting at the kitchen table, looking sad about something or other. "Wonder what she's so sad about?"

"Well, you will see in a moment. Follow me upstairs, I am going to show you your 'little buddy', Bentley," Len replied.

"Bentley? I'm sure he's doing pretty well for himself without me..." Bert muttered.

"Well, you'll see..." Bert and Len slowly approached Bentley's room. The door was open.

Bert peered into the room. He was _not_ expecting what he ended up seeing...before him lay an absolute trash heap. Comic books and magazines were strewn about the room, and there was half-eaten food covering nearly every corner of the room. The place looked comparable to a pig sty.

"T-This is Bentley's room?" Bert exclaimed, not fully believing what he was seeing. Len nodded. "But...but...Bentley was NEVER this messy! How did his room get like this?"

"Well," Len said, "take a look at Bentley, yourself."

Bert slowly entered the room, and noticed something that shocked him..._considerably_ more than the state of the room itself. There, sitting before the TV, perched firmly in a beanbag, was an enormous blob. The obese raccoon was stuffing an extremely large bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken down his face while he was playing a video game that Bert recognized as being _Super Mario Bros_. Bert took a quick look at the face of the behemoth and realized much to his horror that it was none other than his little buddy Bentley.

"My goodness!" Bert was aghast at what had become of Bentley. Bentley had to weigh at _least_ two hundred pounds. "He's-he's-he's huge! He's as big as a blimp! That _can't_ be him...can it?" Bert was hopeful that that was not really Bentley.

"I'm afraid so, Bert," Len sighed. "Just watch."

Bert looked on as Bentley was intently focused on his video game. "Ah, take that, you stupid Koopa!" he shouted, as he shot fireballs at the giant green turtle on the television screen. Bentley shoveled the last chicken wing into his mouth and threw the empty bucket aside into the trash heap. He let out a massive belch. "MOM!" Bentley shouted in a commanding voice at the top of his lungs. "I'm all out of chicken! Get down to that restaurant and bring me some more, now!"

"But Bentley," Bert heard Nicole say sadly from downstairs, "that iz the zecond bucket of chicken you have had today. You are running uz out of money for food in a heartbeat. Can't you give it a rezt?"

Bentley hollered loudly back at his mother, "I _don_'_t_ care, Mom! More chicken wings, NOW! I mean NOW!"

Nicole meekly replied from downstairs, "oui, Bentley..."

"What on earth has gotten into him? How did he turn into this?" Bert was shocked at how much Bentley had let himself go, and at how rude he had been to his mother. "Bentley might get into trouble sometimes, but he would never talk to his mother like that!" Bert then realized something. "This all has something to do with me not being born, doesn't it?"

"Bingo," Len nodded. "Remember, Bert, when you first really met Bentley, what was it that he wanted to do?"

"Hmm..." Bert thought. "All he wanted to do was play with that computer of his. He had no interest in anything else. It took me a while to get through to him, but I was able to show him you could have a good time away from a computer!"

"Exactly!" Len exclaimed. "You showed Bentley that there was more to life than working with computers. Since then, Bentley's divided his time between his computer and physical activities. He's even working on his black belt."

"Oh, don't I know it," Bert chuckled. "He broke my arm trying to show off his karate moves!"

"I remember that," Len replied. "But in this world, as you were never born, no one showed him that physical activities could be fun. He grew more and more attached to his computer, and as he got older, he grew attached to video games as well. Along the way he picked up a taste for junk food. He grew so engrossed in computers and video games that he's stopped caring about anything else. He doesn't even care about his grades anymore, Bert. Here, Bentley's dropped out of school. No matter what his parents have said, he won't listen to them. This is pretty much his whole life now. He's pretty much a lost cause."

"Huh," Bert said. "I never thought I had that big an impact on Bentley's life..." he mused. "But what about Lisa? She knows I like her, and I'm pretty sure all I do is get on her nerves. I bet at least she's happy!"

Len solemnly replied, "Well, you'll see in a minute..."

At that moment, George came upstairs. It seemed he had just come home from work. He slowly approached Lisa's door, which was closed. Slowly, George opened it, as Bert looked on... "Lisa, honey, are you in there?"

Lisa was sitting on her bed, gazing sadly at the wall. She didn't even turn her head to acknowledge her father.

"Oh, who am I kidding? Of _course_ you're in there. Lisa, do you want to talk?"

Lisa didn't respond.

"C'mon, Lisa, it's been a while since we've had a talk..." George pleaded.

Lisa still didn't respond.

George sighed. "What do you want, Lisa?"

Lisa slowly turned to look towards her father. She mouthed the words "go away" to him.

"Al...Alright, Lisa..." George said, sadly, as he closed the door. Lisa turned her gaze back to the wall.

"I hate you, Dad..." Lisa muttered to herself.

"_What's the matter with her?_" Bert wondered.

Much to Bert's shock, Lisa pulled a pack of Manitoba cigarettes and a lighter out of her pocket. She lit up one of the cigarettes and began smoking it. "Hey, Lisa!" Bert shouted. "What d'you think you're doing? I thought you gave up smoking! What the hell is wrong with you?"

"She can't see or hear you, Bert, you're invisible, remember?" Len answered. "And besides, it's not like it'd do any good anyways. You don't exist to her in this world."

"I don't understand. Why is Lisa so cold and distant? Why does she hate her parents? Why on earth is she smoking once again?" Bert had so many questions to ask; he hated seeing his beloved Lisa in a state like this.

"I knew you wouldn't like that, Bert, but we have a little bit more to see, Bert," Len replied. "Follow me downstairs..."

Bert did as he was told. Soon he was peering into the kitchen, where Nicole had just come back with another bucket of chicken. She and George were having a discussion.

"Were you able to talk to Liza, dear?" Nicole asked.

George sighed. "No, I wasn't able to...she still isn't willing to listen to me." He sounded quite sad.

"I think she hatez uz, George..." Nicole sighed.

"I believe you're right..." George solemnly replied. "I-I...I just don't understand what happened to her. She used to be such a vibrant, lively girl back when we lived in Calgary. Now ever since we've moved here, she's become so...distant. She yelled at us and ever since then she's gotten worse and worse. All she does is stay in that room! She doesn't even play basketball anymore-and she loves basketball! How could this have happened?"

"We zhould have never moved to Zneeropolis, George..." Nicole replied, on the verge of tears.

"I know, I know, honey," George replied. "But I didn't really have much choice..."

"Liza stayz in her room all the time...Bentley iz threatening to eat uz out of houze and home..." Nicole started crying. "George...we're...we're bad parentz..."

"I think so too," George said, as Nicole started sobbing. He tried to comfort her, but it was not much use as George was barely keeping the tears in himself. "I don't know where we went wrong...I thought we did everything right..."

"Poor George and Nicole..." Bert said, sympathetically. They truly looked devastated at the state their children were in. "But, hold on a minute, Len. I thought Lisa would be much happier with me gone! I always seemed to get on her nerves, push her buttons..."

"Bert, you may not have truly realized it, but you really were someone important to Lisa. Your friendship really meant a lot to her," Len explained.

"But how did she turn out like this?" Bert wondered.

"Well, do you remember when George and his family first came to the Forest?" Len earnestly asked.

"Yes, I do."

"Who took moving the hardest?"

Bert remembered it quite well. "Lisa did...I remember now. She even got angry at her parents and told George she hoped he wouldn't get the job at K. N. O. X. TV. I guess she'd gotten quite used to Calgary."

"Indeed, she did, Bert. Lisa had spent much of her younger years moving around from place to place, but it looked like her family had finally found its permanent residence in Calgary; that is, until George was laid off from his job. She had grown so used to her surroundings and her friends there that she had a hard time adjusting to living in a new place. But," Len said, looking to Bert, "who helped her adjust? Who told her that she should make up with her family?"

Bert realized what Len was getting at. "I did..."

"Yes, you did. And for that, Lisa was really grateful you were there for her. That was the start of a true friendship between you two. Now, I cannot tell you if that friendship would have turned romantic," Len said, as Bert's ears drooped a bit upon hearing that, "but you really were someone important to her. Sure, you got on her nerves sometimes, but I think everybody can get on everyone else's nerves at some point. But here, since you were never born, nobody helped her adapt to living in a different environment. She grew more and more distant as time went by. The final straw came when her friend Donna came down from Calgary."

"Oh great, I remember her," Bert growled. "What a _friend_ she was! Tried to get her hooked on cigarettes..."

"Donna could _hardly_ be called a friend," Len continued, "but Lisa thought she was. Sure enough, Donna got her hooked on cigarettes. Since you were never born, you were never able to help convince her to quit. And since Cyril never softened up, he wasn't around to convince Lisa that trying to be like everyone else was not a good idea. When Donna left, Lisa tried to go back with her, but her parents found out what Donna had done to their daughter. They forbade her from going back to Calgary with Donna. Ever since then, Lisa no longer speaks to her parents. She's grown so distant all she does nowadays is stare at the wall in her room and light up cigarettes. She quit going to school just like Bentley did. And, as you heard George and Nicole say, she doesn't even play basketball anymore. She's pretty much given up on herself."

Bert was very saddened to hear this. He was almost in tears. "I..I..I never knew I meant so much to Lisa...all this time I thought I was just a nuisance to her..."

Len smiled. "Well, you weren't Bert."

"Len...please...show me something happy at least..." Bert begged. "Show me Ralph and Melissa. You told me you would get around to them. I'm sure they're happy, at least!"

Len sighed. "Well...alright, as you wish, Bert...though I won't be able to show both of them together..."

Bert didn't know what Len meant. "What do you mean you can't show them both together?"

"You'll see in a moment," Len said as he snapped his fingers again.

* * *

><p>Bert now found himself in front of a moderate-sized country house, still invisible. This was in a completely different place altogether; nowhere near Sneeropolis. Bert had no idea who this house might belong to.<p>

"Where are we now, Len?" Bert asked the angel.

"We're in front of Troy Malone's house, Bert," Len replied.

Bert was confused. "Troy Malone...? That pilot guy who used to be Melissa's old boyfriend? Why are we at his place?"

"Well, Bert. This isn't just the home of Troy Malone," he explained. "This is the home of Troy and his wife, Melissa Malone."

Bert was taken aback. "Melissa...Malone...?" He couldn't believe it. "You're kidding me. She's married to Troy now?"

Len nodded.

"But how...?" Bert didn't understand. "I thought Ralph and Melissa were always meant to be. I mean," he chuckled, "the story of how they got together is probably the greatest love story I've ever known. And I haven't known too many good love stories. Better than those chick flicks!" He laughed. "I can't believe I actually watched _Love Is A Very Splendid Thing_..." Bert felt horribly embarrassed he had watched that movie and pretended that he and Lisa were the romantic couple from the movie...

Len had to laugh himself. "Definitely not one of your prouder moments! But yes, Ralph and Melissa did have quite a story to them..."

"So how did she end up with Troy instead of Ralph? Tell me, Len."

"Well," Len retorted, "first I think I should explain how Melissa knew Troy in the first place."

"Go on then," Bert said.

"It all happened when Melissa was fifteen years old. That winter she and her father had decided to take a vacation to the mountains at a winter resort. Mike had saved up enough money for the trip. So, Melissa was out skiing one day on the side of the mountain, when suddenly, an avalanche broke out."

"Oh, I remember Melissa talking about that once..." Bert mused.

"Yes. Melissa was terrified; she felt certain this was going to be how she would die. Luckily for her, another passing skier was able to save her in time. Of course, that someone was Troy," Len noted.

"Thought so," Bert laughed.

"Yes. Mike was grateful at first and thanked Troy profusely for saving his daughter. Melissa was thankful as well. She found out that Troy lived in another town and that they would probably not see each other again...until her next-to-last year of high school. Guess who moved to Prince Rupert and started going to school with her?"

Bert sarcastically replied. "Couldn't have been Troy, could it?"

"Of course it was Troy. Melissa was overjoyed to see the boy who had saved her life a couple of years before again. That friendly spark between them rekindled, and sooner than they knew it they had begun dating. They dated all the way up to their last days of high school. They even went to their prom together. Mike liked Troy at first, but he gradually grew to hate him as he could not stand his bragging nature and his cocky ways. He feared that Troy would be the man his daughter would marry."

"Hmm, so if she and Troy were so happy, what made them break up?" Bert wondered.

"Well, it so happened that Mike decided he was tired of city life and decided to move out to the country, to the Evergreen Forest. Melissa felt she could not successfully keep up a long distance relationship with him, not to mention, she had begun to grow a bit tired of his arrogant behavior. So she decided to break up with him. Needless to say, Mike couldn't have been any happier when Melissa told him she was planning to break up with him!" Len laughed.

"Oh," Bert said. "So then they came to the Evergreen Forest where she and Ralph met. And they never looked back from there. Why isn't she with him?"

"Well, Bert, d'you know how Ralph and Melissa actually met one another?"

Bert couldn't forget. "Of course I do! Ralph spilled a cup of coffee on her at that old cafe that closed down a few years ago. He used to be such a klutz back then!"

Len nodded. "Yes, but do you know why Ralph was there in the first place?"

Bert thought. "I honestly can't remember..."

Len answered. "He was there because you had been trying to offer him your peanut butter for breakfast. He preferred to have something with a little more...substance."

"Oh, I almost forgot about that...sheesh! Ralphie boy ought to improve his taste..."

"So you see, Bert, you are indirectly responsible for the two of them meeting each other. It was rather fortunate for Ralph that he met Melissa the way he did. Ralph was always shy around girls when he was younger. By bumping into her, it gave him an opportunity to actually talk to her. That started a friendly spark between the two of them, and of course that spark eventually kindled into a relationship, and eventually, marriage. But because you weren't born, the 'coffee incident' never happened."

"But they went to college together," Bert said. "Wouldn't they have met each other at some point anyways?"

"They did, Bert, but in this world it was not as happy a meeting..." Len plainly said.

"Tell me more, Len," Bert wondered.

"We'll get to that in a minute, Bert..."

Bert was disappointed as he wanted to know the answer to that question now, but he relented. "Okay. So, why exactly did she go back to Troy?"

"Well, Melissa did date around at college, but none of the men she dated really seemed to connect with her. After she graduated college, she decided she would go back and find the one man she had felt she had had a real connection with-Troy. Eventually she found him and she started dating him again. This time, they got married."

"Hmm..." Bert mused. "Is their marriage a happy one?"

"Well..." Len hesitantly said. "Why don't you take a look through the window, and see for yourself?"

Bert did as Len instructed him to. He peered into the house's window. There, sitting alone at the kitchen table, was Melissa. She looked very sad; it looked as if she had just been crying.

Melissa was slowly drinking from a teacup as she spoke aloud to herself. Bert listened carefully. "Well..." Melissa sadly said to herself. "I'm all alone again. Troy is off on one of his missions again. It seems like he's never home..."

She glanced at the clock on the wall. "Sometimes, I wonder if he'll never come back..."

She looked back down at the table. "But when he is home, he never seems to have any time for me either...he always brushes me aside. He doesn't seem interested in me lately...is it that he doesn't find me attractive anymore?" A few tears started to trickle down her cheeks. "I don't know what's happened to Troy. He used to be so caring, so attentive. But now he just doesn't seem to think of me anymore. He never seems to think about my needs..." She began sobbing. "Why, I can't even remember the last time we made love..." She dried her eyes with a tissue. "I don't know what became of you, Troy. I guess...people change..." She started sobbing again.

"Poor Melissa..." Bert said, feeling very sorry for her. "Seems Troy doesn't treat her very well at all. Ralph would have never treated her like this!"

"No, he wouldn't," Len agreed. "Sure, he might get on her nerves sometimes with his workaholic nature, but in the end he would still make time for her. Ralph loves her with all his heart; why, if the situation arose, I'm pretty sure he would take a bullet for her. Troy doesn't care for her like that; he's far more concerned about his image as a hero than her. She would have been much happier with Ralph, but because you were never born..."

"They never fell in love," Bert finished.

"Yes," Len replied.

"Well, that means there's only one person left to see," Bert realized. "Ralph himself. Even though he never had a chance with Melissa, I'm sure Ralph's at least happy somehow, right?"

Len looked a bit nervous. "Bert, I know Ralph is the last person we have to see, but, I must tell you something first, Bert. You are _really_ not going to like what has become of him in this world. I actually really dread showing you this, Bert..."

"Well, I don't care," Bert firmly responded. "Can't be any worse than all this other horrible stuff I've seen! I have to see what's become of Ralph, Len."

"I know, Bert, I know..." Len sadly replied as he snapped his fingers again.

* * *

><p>Bert now found himself back in Sneeropolis. But this time, he was in a rather familiar setting. "Why, this is the Evergreen Graveyard!" Bert exclaimed.<p>

"Sneeropolis Graveyard now, actually," Len solemnly responded.

"But what are we doing here in the graveyard?" Bert was curious.

Len sighed heavily. "This...this is where Ralph is, Bert..."

Bert thought for a moment. "Oh! So you mean, if I was never born, Ralph would have become an undertaker?"

Len had to laugh at that comment. "I had a feeling you would say something like that." His voice then took on a much more serious tone. "I just wish I could honestly say he _was_ an undertaker, Bert..."

"Oh, so you mean he's a gravedigger now?"

"No, Bert," Len replied. "But Ralph is right here."

"Where is he?" Bert wondered.

"He's right over there," Len sadly replied, pointing to a tombstone off in the distance.

Bert was confused. "What are you talking about?"

"See that tombstone over there?" Len pointed.

"Yeah," Bert replied. He noticed someone familiar standing in front of it. "Hey, what's George doing here? I thought he was back at his house..."

"Well, go over to that tombstone and read what it says."

Bert approached the tombstone and read the engraving that was written on it. He was in for quite a shock..."Here lies RALPH HENRY RACCOON," he began. "September 14, 1961-December 18, 1982. Our Beloved Son-In Our Hearts Always. 'Sweet dreams can solve the future. Sweet dreams provide the past...'" Bert jumped in horror as he realized what he'd just read. "AH! RALPH!" Bert was terrified. "N-n-no! You're kidding me! You've got to be kidding me! No way!" Bert could not believe this was true.

"I knew you wouldn't like it..." Len sighed.

"You mean, in this world where I was never born...Ralph is...is...is...d-d-de-dea-dea-" He didn't want to say the word, it felt so...final, to him. "He's dead?" he choked out.

"I'm afraid so, Bert..." Len nodded.

George was placing flowers atop his little brother's grave. "I can't believe it's been nine years since you died, Ralph..." George said, nearly in tears. "You were a good kid, a very bright one. You had a bright future ahead of you; you had so much more to live for...if only you'd had a friend who'd realized what potential you had..."

"I don't get it," Bert said, not believing the sight before him. "Why is Ralph dead without me?"

"I'll explain," Len began sadly. "Remember when you first met Ralph?"

"I can't forget that," Bert replied. "He was getting beat up on his first day of school. I stood up for him."

"Yes, Bert. That started a life-long friendship for you two. Ralph really valued that friendship; you seem to have forgotten how much it meant to him to have a friend who had his back through thick and thin. Here, he didn't have that. Ralph found himself bullied his whole way through school. Since you were never born, he didn't have anyone to help pick him back up whenever he brought himself down. He grew more and more depressed-even more so as he entered college."

"So what happened to him at college? You said he did meet Melissa..."

"He did come across her, by chance," Len replied. "He happened to see her in the halls one day. Instantly, he developed an attraction to her. That was pretty much destined to happen regardless of you being born or not. But here, Ralph's feelings were not requited."

"Why is that?" Bert wondered.

"Because he remained too shy. First of all, you were never born, so the 'coffee incident' never happened. But, even if it didn't happen, you could have spurred him into talking to her. That would have started that little spark between them that would have eventually culminated in marriage for them. If you had been born, Ralph would have gotten Melissa. Those dreams of romance with her he had would have come true."

"So you're saying it's because of me that Ralphie boy got his dream girl?" Bert asked, incredulously.

"Yes, Bert, you were a huge help for him there. But here, you were never born, and so he was too shy. He could not approach her himself to talk to her. So, out of desperation, he began to follow her around from a distance in the hopes that perhaps he could get closer to her."

Bert was surprised. "You mean...Ralph...stalked...her?"

Len nodded. "In a way, yes."

Bert was in disbelief. "Ralphie would never sink that low! He would never stalk anybody."

"He was desperate Bert. He dearly wanted to win her heart, but he had no idea how to start. So he secretly followed her around. Unfortunately for him, one day, she caught him following her," Len explained.

"I take it that didn't go too well..." Bert mused.

"Exactly. She found him creepy for following her. She told him to stop it or she would have him locked up for stalking her."

"How did Ralph take that?" Bert asked.

"Very badly. Hearing from Melissa herself that she found him creepy and disturbing absolutely broke poor Ralph's heart. He realized he would never be able to win her heart, that he would never have her. He grew so depressed, he began to lose focus on everything. He felt that life was not worth living without a friend by his side, without someone who would love him. So one day, while he was home visiting his parents before Christmas," Len could hardly say the next few words... "Ralph took his own life. He hanged himself in his closet."

Bert began to cry hearing those last few words. "I...I...I never realized...how much...I meant to Ralph...he really had a true friend in me..."

"He did, Bert. But in this world, he didn't, so he gave up on life."

Bert continued to cry. "I really...I really do mean a lot to...my friends..."

Len nodded. "See Bert, it's a funny thing. Each one of us touches many other people's lives in so many different ways. But when one of us isn't there, it leaves an awfully big hole, doesn't it?"

Bert nodded. "I...I see that now, Len," he said, through tears.

Len sighed. "Bert, you really did have a wonderful life. D'you see why it would be such a mistake to throw it all away?"

Bert nodded again, calming down a bit. "Yes, yes, I do. I've seen enough...please, take me back now, Len..."

Len looked a bit confused by Bert's request. "Take you back...?"

Bert replied, "Yes, take me back...I want to be with my friends again."

Len replied, "I'm afraid I can't do that, Bert."

Bert looked shocked. "W...what? But...but..."

"Well, Bert, you _did_ wish for all this, remember? I can't simply take back a wish now, can I?" Len firmly replied.

"But, but, I learned the error of my ways!" Bert was aghast at what Len was saying.

"Sorry, Bert. Well, I really must be going. I'm needed for a meeting back up in heaven. Enjoy your new life, Bert!" Len cheerfully exclaimed.

"Len, WAIT! WAIT! Come back! I'm...I'm...I'm still invisible! Come back!" It was no use. Len had already disappeared before Bert's eyes.

"Great..." Bert said to himself. "Now I guess I'll be Bert Raccoon, Ace Phantom for all eternity..." he sighed.

At that moment, Bert saw Nicole racing towards George, panicking about something. Bert became curious as he listened in.

"George! George! Zomething haz happened back at home!"

George turned to her. "What is it, honey..." he sighed.

"Liza haz gone mizzing from her room!" Nicole said, tears streaming from her eyes. "Look, George, she left thez note behind..." Nicole passed a note to George as he began reading it.

"Dear Mom and Dad, I have decided to run away back to Calgary, where all my friends are. Don't come after me, I don't want you to find me. I hate both of you! Lisa," Nicole and George began sobbing.

"Oh, George," Nicole cried into his chest. "We really _ARE_ the worzt parentz in the world!"

"It...would sure seem that way..." George said sadly.

Bert was shocked. "Lisa's...run away...? I'm going to find her."

* * *

><p>Bert set off through the outskirts of Sneeropolis. Soon enough, he found Lisa, sitting by the side of what once was the Evergreen River. It was completely full of grime and toxic waste; no doubt the Sneers were responsible for this. It looked like it would be lethal to take a dip in it...<p>

Bert noticed Lisa was wearing her normal attire. She wasn't bundled up to withstand the cold weather...there would be no way she would be able to survive for very long out here.

Lisa sighed as she spoke aloud to herself. "No one really cares what I think..." she said. "If Dad cared about what I thought, he would have never moved to this place over Calgary..."

She then looked towards the river. "I wonder what everyone would think if I jumped in there...I doubt my parents would care. No one seems to care about me..."

Bert was aghast; Lisa was actually thinking of ending her own life! "Lisa, no!" he frantically shouted, despite the fact it would be no use. He was still invisible, she wouldn't be able to hear him or see him. "Someone does care about you, Lisa-I care! I care a lot about you Lisa; please don't jump in there!"

Bert tried to pull her back as she stood up and walked up to the edge...but it was for naught. His arms went right through her. It seemed hopeless.

Bert broke down and began sobbing; it had been a long time since he had broken down like this. He looked up at the sky and frantically pleaded to the heavens, "Len, please! Take me back home! I don't want to stay here in this horrible place anymore; I want to be with my friends again! Len, God, anybody, please! I just want to go home again...I don't want this anymore! I want to live! I want to live...I just want to see my home and friends again..."

**END CHAPTER TWO**

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: **Well, that was chapter 2 of 3...holy crap, that was one hell of a depressing chapter...that could even be the most depressing thing I've ever written by far. Still, I feel it served its purpose; it definitely showed him that he did mean a lot to his friends, and that his life was not a worthless one. Hope you don't mind too much how I made everybody turn out...

I must give credit to Spiral-Frax/Grenzer for the idea of Cedric becoming an evil megalomaniac...I honestly never thought of that myself. I'm not sure what I was going to do with Cedric before he suggested that...props to him.

Really, I don't have a whole lot to say this time around for this chapter. I really think this chapter speaks for itself, for the most part. Be sure to check out chapter 3, which'll be coming soon-our happy ending. (Of _course_ this'll have a happy ending...what did you expect? A killing spree ending like they had in the Simpsons? Because in a Simpsons episode, Bart and Lisa once found out that there was a lost killing spree ending to the original _It's A Wonderful Life_...I wonder how that would have turned out...?)


	3. Chapter 3: You'll Never Walk Alone

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: **Well, Chapter 2 of this short little fic was outstandingly depressing, and the reception I got for it has well exceeded what I thought I'd get. (I thought I was going to get people complaining that I made it too sad and to go back and cut down on the depression). But now, after that, it's time for our happy little ending, because no version "It's A Wonderful Life" (outside of a parody, of course, which this is not) would be complete without one. I hope this'll make up for the sadness of the last chapter and bring a smile to your face seeing Bert reunited with his friends and reassured by them that he is not a burden upon them. So now, we go to…

_**Frosty The Legal Disclaimer-man: **__I do not own the rights to the Raccoons, nor will I ever…anybody got a count for how many times I've said this now? I'm seriously debating just dropping these from now on as I don't really see what I could put here to make these things worth the time it would take to read them. Anyways, enough of that…_

**CHAPTER THREE: You'll Never Walk Alone**

"Please, God, anybody, I just want to live again…" Bert continued to pathetically sob, his face buried firmly in his paws. He couldn't believe he'd made that wish that he'd never been born; now he was suffering the dire consequences of such a wish-permanent non-existence. How could he have been so foolish?

"Oh, Ralph, Melissa, Cedric, Lisa, Bentley, George, Nicole, Mike, Schaeffer, Sophia, that one-night stand, oh, _especially_ the one-night stand…" Bert said, continuing to bawl his eyes out. "Oh, I'll never see any of them again…and it's all my fault…I've had such a great life! Why'd I have to throw it all away like a piece of garbage?"

Presently, Bert began to hear voices calling for him not far off in the distance. "Bert! Bert! Where are you, Bert? Are you out here? Bert!"

Bert continued to sob. "Oh great, it's even worse. Not only do I not exist anymore, I've gone delusional and now I think I can hear someone calling for me. Why must you torment me, Len?" Bert shouted angrily up at the sky as he buried his head back into his paws.

The voices turned their attention towards Bert.

"There he is, Lisa!"

"Bert, thank goodness we found you! What are you doing out here? Are you alright? You don't look so good…"

Bert continued sobbing. "No, no, go away Lisa. Go away…I don't exist anymore, just leave me to my misery…" Bert suddenly jumped up as he realized something. Lisa was talking…to him. That must mean…A huge smile grew across Bert's face. "_Wait a minute! She can see me!_ _That means I exist again!_"

Bert was so overjoyed at his realization that he got up off the ice and glided towards Lisa at a high rate of speed. "LISA! Thank goodness, it's you!" he shouted cheerfully as he grabbed her like a pole and embraced her tightly. Needless to say, Lisa was more than a little surprised.

"Woah, woah, woah, there, Bert! What's all this about?" Lisa asked, confused.

"Lisa, I'm so glad to see you again…" Bert said, tears streaming from his eyes, but they were tears of a different kind; tears of joy rather than tears of sorrow.

"I'm glad to see you too, Bert," Lisa said, a bit uneasily, "but, could you let go of me, please?"

Bert realized he still had Lisa firmly in his arms. "Oh, heh-heh, sorry, sorry," he chuckled nervously as he let go of her. Then he noticed Bentley was standing right beside her. "BENTLEY! My little buddy! You're not a giant blimp anymore!" he exclaimed as he scooped the young raccoon up into his arms and hugged him.

Bentley couldn't help but stare uneasily at Lisa. The look on his face said, 'Has Bert lost it?' "Bert, you can put me down now…" Bentley said, a bit uncomfortable.

"Sorry," Bert said as he placed Bentley back down. "Sorry, I really am, I'm just so glad to see you two again…" Bert took a look at the surroundings around him. There was no sign of Sneeropolis anywhere in sight. All around him were pine trees in nearly every direction; the three of them were standing at the edge of Evergreen Lake. There was no Cyril Dome either; it looked like everything was back to normal.

"Lisa, you aren't still smoking cigarettes, are you?" Bert asked her.

"No, Bert. You and Mr. Sneer convinced me to give them up," she answered.

"Bentley, you're still working on that black belt, right?" Bert asked. He had to make sure he was back in the familiar world he knew again.

Bentley raised an eyebrow. "Yeah, I am. It might take me years, but I think I'll get there with time. Why do you ask?"

Bert nodded. "Lisa, you still love basketball, don't you?" He needed reassurance, he still wasn't sure if he was actually back in his own world again or if he was imagining being back.

"Always have and always will, Bert, it's in my blood." Lisa looked a bit concerned. "Bert, are you alright? You're not acting like yourself…"

Bentley had to agree with his big sister for once. "Bert, did you hit your head or something?" he asked.

Bert chuckled. "Heheh, you could say that…" he said, a bit unnervingly.

"Thought so," Bentley said to himself.

"Well, Bert," Lisa stated, "I'm glad to see you're okay. You had me really worried there for a little while."

"Sorry about running off into the Forest at night without letting you all know where I was," Bert replied, feeling embarrassed. "I was just so upset because I felt like I was being a burden to all of you today…I thought you all would be happier if I didn't show up at Ralphie boy's party…"

"Bert, don't think that," Lisa said in a more comforting tone; she could tell Bert felt really bad about what he'd done, and that he didn't deserve to be scolded for it seeing as how she had blown him off earlier that day. "We missed you, alright. It just wouldn't be a good party without you…I had to go find you. I don't know if anybody else is out looking for you; but rest assured, Bentley and I are glad we found you."

"It's nice to know you're not a popsicle, Bert," Bentley agreed.

Bert smiled. "You went looking for me because you care about me, didn't you?"

Lisa nodded. "Yes, Bert, I do care about you. You helped me adjust to life here in the Forest. I'm not sure I'd be on good terms with Mom and Dad without your help. And without you, I think I'd be on the fast track to emphysema, thanks to those cigarettes. I'm not sure anybody else would have gone that far for me; you're a true friend, Bert. I'm thankful I met you," she smiled.

Bert could not keep the grin off his face. "Wow," he smirked. "Lisa, you don't know how much those words mean to me!" He proceeded to do something totally surprising; he leaned in and kissed Lisa right on her cheek. Lisa was quite surprised by Bert's spontaneity; but it didn't really matter. She couldn't help but blush. "Thanks, Lisa, for being a real friend," Bert smiled.

"You're welcome, Bert," Lisa smiled back. Bentley could not help but snicker and started clapping lightly, applauding Bert.

"Bentley, cut it out!" Lisa snapped at him.

"Sorry, sorry, sis," Bentley said, meekly. "I have to agree with my sister, Bert. You've been somebody pretty important to me as well. You've showed me there's more to life than my computer. Don't get me wrong," Bentley chuckled, "I still love playing with my computer, but there's lots of fun I can have away from it, too; and you showed me that. Sometimes, Bert, I wish you were my big brother. Unfortunately, I got stuck with a big sister instead," he laughed.

"Bentley…" Lisa growled at her little brother.

"Sorry," he apologized. "But c'mon, Bert. You're not a burden to us. You're our friend; don't think we don't care about you."

Bert smiled. "I'm glad I've got friends like you," he chuckled.

"Same here, Bert," Lisa nodded. "You know, I feel pretty bad about telling you to leave me alone earlier today. Sledding would have been pretty nice…I mean, I could have called Sally up anytime. Don't get me wrong, I do like her, but she can be a little…you know…too chatty sometimes. Tell you what, Bert. How about you and I go sledding sometime this coming week?"

"I'd like that very much, Lisa," Bert smiled.

"Hey, what about me?" Bentley asked. "He asked me if I could go sledding with him earlier today…" Bentley didn't want to miss out on a chance to have fun with his pal.

Lisa sighed. "Well, okay, Bentley. You can come along with us. Just promise you won't get into any trouble!"

Bentley innocently grinned. "You can count on me!"

"Well, c'mon, Bert," Lisa turned to him. "Why don't we head back to the Raccoondominium? I'm sure everyone is wondering where the hell we are and whether or not we'll be coming back…"

"I'm all for it," Bert smiled. "I've had enough of staying out here in this dreadful cold…" As Bert turned to follow Lisa and Bentley, he bumped into none other than Cedric, Ralph, and Melissa.

"OOF!" Bert shouted as all four of them fell to the ground.

"Hey, watch it!" Ralph shouted. But as he slowly got back to his feet, he realized…"Ah, Bert! There you are!" Ralph felt relieved. He had felt quite worried Bert might have succumbed to the cold out here; it was a huge relief for him to see his old friend was okay.

"We've been looking all over for you, Bert," Melissa said, getting to her feet as well. "We thought you might have frozen to death out here! You had all of us worried…"

"It's good to see you're alright, Bert!" Cedric said, pleased to see his friend.

"It's great to see all of you too," Bert grinned. "Hey, you're alive, Ralphie boy! And you're still with Melissa! Phew, what a relief!" He then turned to Cedric. "And Cedric! You're your old self again! Not some crazy maniac…"

The trio looked at Bert like he had lost his mind.

"Bert…" Melissa asked. "Are you okay?"

"I think he might be delirious, Melissa…" Ralph noted. Bert seemed to be acting quite delusional to all of them.

"Heheh, sorry, guys. I guess I hit my head a lot harder than I thought…" He didn't know what all that horrible stuff he'd seen was, but he was just relieved that everything appeared to be back to normal again.

"It's alright, Bert," Ralph explained. "We were looking for you because you didn't show up to the party. We were just wondering where you were…because quite frankly, it wouldn't have been much of a party without you."

"Looks like Bentley and Lisa found you first," Cedric chuckled.

"Well," Bert said, looking down at the ground, "I was out here because of what you all said to me earlier today. You all didn't want me around to help you. I felt like I was a burden to all of you. So I went out for a walk. I wasn't planning on coming back; but then I hit my head, and now, here I am. I'm not sure what happened."

Ralph nodded. "That's why I thought you were out here in the wilderness…"

Cedric spoke up next. "Bert, you're not a burden on us. Believe me! Sometimes you can try my patience, but most of the time we have a lot of fun together. I always enjoy our little friendly activities we do together frequently. You were a big help in getting me through high school, Bert; I really do value our friendship."

Melissa nodded. "Cedric's right, Bert, you're not a burden. Like he said, you can be a little…trying, sometimes, but for the most part I don't mind having you around the raccoondominium at all. You help us with the chores; you help out with the _Standard_. You write good articles; for the most part anyways. If you weren't around we'd be short one writer. It'd pretty much cripple the paper," she chuckled. "And, if it hadn't been for you," she smiled, looking towards Ralph, "I might very well have never gotten to know the love of my life."

Ralph chuckled. "Yes, Bert, my wife's right. When we were younger, before Melissa and I were together, I doubted myself greatly. I thought I'd never get her; I thought I would never be good enough for her. But with your help I was able to believe in myself, and look where I am today," he chuckled again. "Not to mention those countless times you defended me from bullies when we were kids and those times you'd try to cheer me up when I was sad; which used to be most of the time. If I thought you were a burden, Bert, then I would have told you to get the hell off my front doorstep when you came back here after your troubles in the city. I didn't do that, Bert, because you're my friend. Like Melissa said, you help out around the raccoondominium; you help out with the paper. Though you could stand to cut down a bit on the excitement in your articles," Ralph chuckled once more, "but really, don't ever think you are a burden to us."

Bert smiled. "You have no idea how long it's been since I've heard you all tell me such kind words…"

Ralph spoke up again. "Well, Bert, I think we've gotten so used to the way things are, we've been taking them for granted."

Melissa agreed with her husband. "I think so, too. If you'd never been around, Bert, I think all of our lives would be very different; not quite as good as they are now…'

Bert had to chuckle. "Well, don't I know it…" he whispered to himself.

"Bert, look," Ralph began again, sounding more than a little embarrassed. "We _have_ been more than a little hard on you lately; me especially. I shouldn't have yelled at you earlier today; you were only trying to help us out. I shouldn't have been so harsh; I guess I was just frustrated today. I was so pre-occupied with getting ready for the party; not to mention, Melissa and I were, heh-heh, _sort of_ under the mistletoe and all…"

Melissa scowled at Ralph. "_Ralph!_ That was supposed to be between just you and me!"

Ralph shrugged. "Well, it is true. I think Bert ought to know why I was so upset at him."

Bert had to chuckle. "Oh, so _that's_ why you were so upset at me…heh, heh…I'm sorry, Ralph, Melissa, I didn't know I interrupted a little, heh, _moment_ between you two…"

"No, Bert, you don't need to apologize; if anyone does, it should be me," Ralph interrupted. "Bert, we should have thought more about you today. I'm really sorry, and I feel like a real jackass. Can you forgive me?"

Bert thought for a moment, and then nodded. "Of course, Ralphie boy! Apology accepted. I'm not one to hold a grudge."

Ralph felt relieved. "Whew! I had a bad feeling that if we found you out here you'd be angry at me…"

"Well, not anymore," Bert replied. He turned to Cedric. "Sorry about your cake, Cedric."

"It's no problem, Bert," Cedric smiled. "Lucky for us Sophia made one just in case. So we'll have a Christmas cake after all!"

"Heheh, so it's still a party!" Bert smiled.

"See, Bert," Melissa smiled. "We all do care about you. You don't need to get so down on yourself; remember, Bert, you'll always be our friend, no matter what."

"I know that now," Bert said. He thought back to what Len had shown him-if Len had been real. He couldn't say for sure if that had been real or his imagination. But Len was truly right; his friends did care about him. "I've got to be one of the luckiest guys in the world; to have such great friends like you."

"And we'll always be here for you, if you need us, Bert," Ralph smiled. "Now come on. Let's get back to the raccoondominium before we all catch frostbite from staying out here in the cold too long."

"I agree!" Bentley said from off to the side.

"The party's still on, right Uncle Ralph?" Lisa asked.

"Yes, Lisa, we're still having the party. We need to get back before George is eaten alive by Mike and the rest of our friends for those trademark bad jokes of his," Ralph laughed. "Maybe I shouldn't have asked him to do that…"

Everyone shared a good laugh. "Well, come on, guys," Bert smiled. "Let's go home."

The party that night was one to remember. Bert managed to not get himself totally wasted like he had last year, so this year he would be able to remember it. And the turkey ended up being much better than the one last year. This was a night Bert would remember for many years to come-for more reasons than one.

Bert would quickly go back to his typical goofy ways and occasionally would still get on the nerves of his friends. But whenever he began to feel really down upon himself and felt that he might be a burden upon his friends and family, he thought back to what Len had showed him-even though he wasn't sure if that had been actually real or not-and he knew that no matter what, his friends and family were always on his side and they truly did care about him, even if they didn't show it sometimes. He knew that life could never get as bad as it would have been without him; that his life was not a meaningless one.

He truly did have a wonderful life, after all…

**END CHAPTER THREE**

And…

**FANFIC COMPLETE**

**AUTHOR'S NOTE**: Sorry about this third and final chapter being fairly short, but that is honestly how it came out. I don't feel I could have written much more for this chapter than I did without _seriously _padding it out, and then it would have become highly boring. I know some of you might have wanted to see the actual Christmas party itself, but I felt the way I ended was satisfying-if maybe a tad abrupt. I still felt I got my message across-that no matter what, nobody's life is useless. We all mean something to somebody, whether we realize it or not; and we should be grateful for the friends and family we have. Throwing it all away is a very selfish act indeed, this is why I don't quite understand suicide. When things get down, they will get better, eventually. The only time I feel suicide might be understandable is in the event of one having a terminal illness that they cannot cure (such as terminal cancer); in that case I could see why someone might opt for suicide (because cancer will waste you away to virtually nothing before you die).

Anyways, I hope you all have enjoyed this fanfic, and I'd like to wish all of my readers and followers out there a very merry Christmas-ahead of time a bit, I know, but the season is closing in sooner than I can realize. Won't be much longer before _A Charlie Brown Christmas_ or _Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer_ is on TV again-I usually watch 'em every year! But anyways, a merry Christmas from me to you, my valued readers. As for what's next after this, well, _Fly By Night, _of course, which I'll be resuming very soon, but I also have another little project exclusively for Deviantart…


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